Tuesday - Everything is so wrong

When I woke up this morning in Emma's, it's Tuesday by the way, the first thing I thought about was food. I was doing so well, the past 5 days, that these thoughts were a massive downer for me. To be suddenly stressing about what to eat, how much to eat and when to eat, was such a shame. I was worried about what time I'd have my breakfast at. I was worried that once I started eating I might not be able to stop again, because I might have been restricting myself. I was worried about lunch, that it might not be the right food. I was worried about dinner that I might have to eat it too early and then end up binging on biscuits again, at 9 or 10 o'clock at night, because dinner wouldn't have been enough for me to make it through to breakfast again.

I got up, and I knew there wasn't any "safe" breakfast for me to have, because I hadn't planned on being in Emma's today. I wanted the breakfast I've been missing so much, which is yogurt and muesli. I wanted fresh juice. But of course none of that was here. It made me so angry, once I was up and wanting to eat. This might make me sound like a spoilt brat, but I don't care.. Being p*ssed off because my food wasn't here, is so silly, because I knew last night that I wouldn't have my normal breakfast. So why was it managing to make me angry? It wasn't as if I didn't know that I'd have to have a different breakfast. And on top of that, I started to get angry at myself for reacting so childish.

I got so upset by it all. Everything. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to go to Diann, and I knew I wouldn't get to see her this week. I hadn't counted on this, and that was so annoying. Ma managed to book us on a flight on Wednesday afternoon. So another full day to go. I was breaking down again and it made me so angry. Why did this have to happen? The past 5 days, went so well and now these 2 extra days had to challenge me just that little bit more. It seemed so unfair. Then suddely I was overcome with all these other awful thought: Everyone is now assuming I don't need any safe food anymore and everyone is expecting me to be fine with everything, to be flexible and to just get on with living and everyone must think I'm better and nobody understands me. Then I was feeling that I'd have to prove to everyone I'm still not right.. and then I was angry because of how well the past 5 days had gone because it's only put more pressure on me to always be fine around people and food.. When I really can't rely on me to be that way..

So much stuff came up, that I wanted to go back to bed and not see or speak to anybody until tomorrow. I was raging for things to have turned out this way. But I forced myself to get dressed and walk to the shop (only 5 minutes down the road) and get some All Bran and some soya milk. At least then I'd have a breakfast that feels good. Because the thoughts of having to eat bread or toast first thing in the morning, just seemed to go against everything I believe in. It sounds pretty drastic, but that's how I felt. I wanted as much nutrition as possible, and bread doesn't do it for me. Maybe technically it does, but in my head it doesn't. It's just wrong. With that, I then got the impression that Ma thought it was all pretty funny..me going out to get the breakfast from the shop. When really there was nothing to laugh about, not on my part anyhow. Just goes to show..everyone thinks I'm better and now I'm making a big deal about nothing.. Do you see how quickly people can assume things?

I had breakfast and wanted to go to bed. But I didn't. I had so much writing I just needed to do, so for hours I was typing. I just finished lunch at half 3.. I was stressing about what it was, because it was actually too late in the afternoon and dinner would be happening too soon and I'd be eating too much in too short a time-space. I had 2 slices of bread, one with cheese, a half with chicken salade and a half with peanut butter. And of course, it was all wrong.. The cheese was too greasy, the butter I put on the bread wasn't necessary, because I had put peanut BUTTER and chicken salade that had MAYONAISE in it, on top. Why did I do that? I don't know. Well, I do. Because initially I wanted to have the toast with plain butter. But it was tasteless. So I put the chicken and the peanut butter on top. It was all wrong. And it felt disgusting. It's at times like that, that I know nothing will feel good to eat, no matter how healthy or unhealthy it is. There will always be some reason for me to not feel good about eating it.

The worst thing about it all, is that I could see it happening, every little thing. I was watching myself doing it and I still couldn't stop it. And I know why it was all happening too. It's because I hadn't considered the fact that I might still be here today. I hadn't mentally prepared myself to be faced with 2 extra days of being away from the fridge at home. It's mucked me up. And this morning when I was feeling so bad, and then when I finally had a late lunch (which was so so wrong)as well, I had that feeling in the front of my head again. The feeling that I can't describe and that always makes me feel fuzzy and weighs my forehead down. It's been at least a week since I've felt that feeling, and I hadn't missed it at all. But today it was back again.

O yeah, and to add to the challenge this morning, I stood on the weighing scales. I don't know if it was to torture myself even more than I already was, or if it was because the temptation was too big. But I've been thinking about it, on and off, for weeks now. I've been telling myself that I'd be okay to know my weight and that it's purely out of curiosity that I'd stand on it. It's not to try loose the weight and it's not to "feed Anna". I told myself this morning that I was only standing on it, just to ease the shock that I might get if I wait another 3 or 4 months before standing on one. It's been 4 months, and I mentally prepared myself.

It was like I was breaking a pact with someone, by standing on it. I don't know with who. It was also as if I was taking a massive leap of faith and taking a massive risk because I didn't know what the outcome would be or if it would change things or if it would make me feel any different. By mentally preparing myself, I assured myself that it wouldn't change things. I still need to eat and I still need to challenge myself by trying different foods, no matter what the scales says. I still need to keep the work going, as I have been doing through out the months that have gone by. I thought I'd be around 45. But I wasn't, I was actually quite shocked. I was only 40. I couldn't believe it. Not that it matters if I would have been hitting the 50. As Diann has told me a thousand times, it's just a number and it doesn't hold any meaning. I know this, but it just shocked me because of all the eating I've been doing and have only managed to put on around 10 kilo's. It proves that I DO need a lot food or more so than normal, to breathe, sleep, write, read, sit and be active (as I have been for a couple of weeks now) AND to put on weight.

I've always known this, but seeing it on the scales just makes it more real. It hasn't made me wanna keep away from food. I won't be standing on a scales now for another few months because I know it will only become an obsession again and I'll want to keep it at this number. I don't have access to one, so I can't even consider starting the drama again. I know if I had one that I could stand on everyday, I would. It would be so easy to get back in to the same routine as I was always in.. eating as little as possible to keep the number the same. And I'd be lying if I were to say that it didn't scare the life out of me. I know that the lunch I had today would have been an issue, if I had or hadn't stood on the scales. Because when I was eating it, I wasn't thinking about the scales. There were so much other bad thoughts going on that I don't think I'd have been capable to stress about the scales.

I felt strong enough to take that "step of faith" and stand on it. I was sure enough that I wouldn't let it effect me the way it used to and I'm still eating and am able to forget about that number. But then I hear myself saying that I'm weak for having stood on it today and for not resisting temptation, but that's not what it's about. It's about what effect I let that number have on me. And I know that I'll leave it as it is. I know I still need more weight and I'm still gaining the weight, as we speak, or as I type (all that greasy cheese and being slapped onto my hips momentarily). If I want my periods to come, I need to keep on gaining and I will. Afterall, it's only a number and it says nothing.

Today had been another big one. I'm half way there. I'm depending on being back on Ireland tomorrow night. But nothing is ever certain in this life. But for now, this is it.. Dinner is approaching. I'm having salmon by the way..of course the supermarkets here in Holland sell fish as well.. ;)