A Beautiful day 2

This whole "work chapter" of my past 8 months, has taught me alot. I've read it in books, so many times before, and I know it so well, but reading the theory is always different than seeing it in practise.. Fearing and worrying about the future, doesn't help one bit. Did all those worries, help me deal with the situation or did it make it easier to deal with? No. If I wouldn't have stressed, would the email I got yesterday have been any different? No. All the images I tried to come up with in my head about what could happen and what they might think of me and what I could end up feeling like..did any of these images reassure me? No. If anything, they made me feel worse. I was creating a problem, for so long. And when a problem arises and can't be dealt with at that moment, then the key to not letting the problem keep you awake at night and make you feel anxious and stressed, is to simply accept the problem. Resisting the problem is only making it bigger. And the bigger the problem the gets, the harder it is to make peace with and to just accept how it is. If there's nothing that can be changed right here and now, then just let it be. Feeding it, by stress and fear, is only making it worse. This is a theory that now makes so much sense. It's like I've put it into practise.

After reading the email, everything was so great. I felt so relieved that I wouldn't have to go back and work. I know I make it sound like that job was the pits. And in many ways it was. But I did learn alot, during my 6 months there. It was so hard, even though it sounds like the easiest job going, an "internet travel agent". But I can assure it wasn't. I've tried that line of work now and know that it isn't for me. If I hadn't gone through my six months with them, I would probably still be open to working at a travel agency. Whereas now I'm not. Since college, it was a job I thought that was good for me. But it wasn't and I wouldn't have known this if I hadn't given it a shot. So for that, I'm grateful. And throughout the past 8 months, they've treated me very very well. I couldn't have asked for more. So for that, I'm also grateful. It might seem like I'm just saying this, because I'm not going back, but that's not the case. These realizations were there anyhow. It's just taking a step back that makes you realize the good things that came out of a certain experience.

Anyhow, knowing that I don't need to go back.. makes me feel so free. I can finally say, with certainty, that I will never have to fulfill that commercial position, in such an environment. And that makes me so happy. It might sound like something small. But it's not. I've now got an even easier and fuller feeling than I've had in a long time. Because I can safely say that whatever happens throughout the next few months, it will all be for the good of me. Going back to Holland and back into that job, wouldn't have done me good and that's why going back just wasn't an option. But now I can truly look forward and know that I won't have put myself through anything that might be risky, in terms of having a relapse. It's just so liberating, freeing and all I feel is calm.

Actually, that's not entirely true. If I'm really honest about how I'm feeling right now: I want to run to the nearest mountain and scream my head off. I want to shout to world how beautiful life is. I want to run and jump for joy, as high as I can. I want to hug every person I see. My chest feels as if it's going to burst or overflow or something, with whatever it is that's inside. It's such an amazing feeling. When I was walking to the garage, this morning, I just couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't stop feeling so full of life (even though my legs weren't carrying me all that fast). I felt that I was finally at ease with everything. And I mean everything. You name it, and it's fine. It really is. Because there aren't any problems, not right now, not as I'm sitting here trying to put into words just how happy I am right now.