A Beautiful day 1

It's Friday, the 13th. But it certainly doesn't feel like it. Not that it should feel a certain way, but still. Bad luck? There's no such thing. Luck that is connected to experiences, encounters, events or opportunities, isn't really probable. Because experiences we make ourselves. And therefore luck we can also create ourselves. It's seeing the opportunities as they arise and using these opportunities to see the potential. And that's where we can experience wonderful things.

Anyhow, good luck or bad luck, what does it matter? Life is now and life is great. I could say that I've been having some good luck the past one or two days or weeks. But I haven't, well I don't believe I have. I believe that the good things are happening because of the way I'm approaching it all. I'm not looking for problems where there aren't any. If things were going any differently, I'd also see them as good. Because my intention to do and be the way I want and eventually travel and to keep on writing, which is all I dream of, is there and always will be. So I'm not stressed about how, when or where it's going to happen. Because I know for certain that it will and that's all I need. Things that come up or challenges that I still have to rise to, are all meant to be. They are either to make me stronger or to make me feel more gratitude than I already do. They will keep me ticking a long, keep me on my toes and I won't resent them. This might all sound very unrealistic and "away with the fairies". But it's how I see it, so I don't see anything wrong with looking at things in this way.

This week, I've finally told work that I want to leave. It was a big step. I sent them an email on Wednesday saying that I need to break away from all my responsibilities in Holland because they're holding me back. In a way they were burdening me and causing me unnecessary guilt for getting better. As I've said before, I need all my energy in one place, to focus and to think ahead without thinking about the past and without stressing about what is to come. Telling them was the biggest obstacle (even bigger than moving my stuff) and I've been dreading it for months. I was convinced they'd think I was ungrateful for all that they've done. I felt like I owed them my commitment, by returning to work for whatever length of time, just because they paid me sick-leave for months on end.

So I did away with the guilt this week. I sent the email and detached myself from the outcome. I was so determined not to let it stress me out or keep me awake at night. I figured the "worst" thing that could happen, was that they wouldn't let me quit and that I'd have to go back to Holland to work, for a couple of months. That would have been the outcome that I would have felt least comfortable with. But I told myself, if that happens, it won't be all that bad. I didn't like the job, but what's 2 or 3 months of persons life? If that's what I would have had to do, then I'll do it. It wouldn't have been a massive disaster.. I would have dealt with it.

So keeping in mind that there really wasn't any disaster that could come of me wanting to quit, I felt at ease. Between sending it and receiving their answer, I didn't have any doubt, worries, stress or anxiety about it. Before I sent it though, it was a different story.. But anyhow, the fact that for the past 2 days I haven't been too stressed, was really unusual for me.. Because for as long as I can remember I've always hated handing in my notice. I've always felt like I was letting someone down and like I was failing.

Yesterday I got their reply. And I was shocked. They were so nice. They totally understood that it was harder for me to make progress, knowing that I still have to go back to work. They were helpful and understanding. I don't owe them anything.. That's what the email actually said.. My teamleader (she's the girl who has been dealing with my sick-leave and who I've been in contact with, every so often) actually said that if I send a letter with the date as to when I want to officially quit, then she'll sort out the rest, and my contract with be terminated.. I was like.. WHAT?? This can't be happening. This is too good man!! She was actually giving a choice as to when I can quit. No pressure at all... wouw.. (I supposed I'm only doing them a favour too, by quitting, so that might have something to do with..not that it matters though).

For weeks, there was me, trying to coax myself into feeling fine about quitting. The amount of talking to myself I had to do, to feel fine with what I was doing, was huge. And it turned out to be so easy. It just goes to show that we can never predict what's going to happen. For months I'd lie awake at night and worry and feel guilty about not being in the office.. and about not being strong enough to go back to Holland. I remember a time when I was even feeling guilty for laughing, because I felt that was a sign I should be back in the office. For the past 8 months, I've spent hours and hours worrying and stressing about them. I felt like I was hurting people, by not being there. And I guess now I can't quite believe that it's proved to be so easy. I'm not going to dwell on all the worries that it has brought me. Because there's no point. It wasn't needed.