A Good Thing no.2

Every other subject that popped up yesterday, only added to the "goodness" of the past two weeks.

The subject of weighing myself. I probably couldn't have picked a worse day to stand on the scales for the first time. It was Tuesday last week, in Holland, when I wasn't having a good day, the day when I had planned to be back in Ireland again. But standing on it, didn't make me worse. And to know that seeing the number come up on the screen and feeling low whilst doing so, and not letting it effect my eating or my mood, shows that I can stand on it at any given moment and feel fine about my weight. It was so great to be able to say this outloud. It didn't make me want to not eat. If anything it shocked me...

Weighing only 40 kilos, after months and months of eating and resting, sitting down, lying in bed and drinking gallons of high-calorie energy drinks.. was reassuring to say the least. And this isn't a bad thing to admit, according to Diann. It should only make me feel more comfortable eating whatever and whenever I like, because I've got a high metabolism and naturally I'm not a heavy person. It's not in my genes to be big, or else I'd be piling on the weight. And I'm not. They say that an average woman needs 2000 calories a day. On a diet, a woman should take in 1500 calories. And to put on weight, a woman needs 2500 calories a day. Those 500 extra calories a day, with a normal metabolism, can cause a weight-gain of approximately 1 kilo a week. I don't think my average daily intake is more than 2000 calories. Not that I'm counting or anything, but I just know the numbers..I can't erase them.. unfortunately. But I don't feel the need to have more than I eat. So it's fine and weight is something I don't need to worry about. Diann said that whenever I'm having a so-called "fat-day" I can use this same thought to feel fine within myself.

Another thing that felt good to say outloud yesterday was that I don't really have fat-days anymore. It's been so long. I know this doesn't mean that I'll never have such a day again. But just that they aren't a weekly thing anymore, is big in itself. I was even able to admit that I occasionally look in the mirror and get a fright at what I see. It can feel like seeing myself as being skinny for the first time ever and that I can suddenly see what size I truly am. I can see what others see and that scares the hell out of me. Because I can't imagine what others had to look at when I was 10 kilos lighter. But that's another issue.. All in all, my weight only does good for me right now. I can safely say that I still need to put on weight. And I know I will still put on weight. On the otherhand, I now can also know that it will still be a while before my periods come back.

This was a subject we touched on a few weeks ago. I really want them to come back, so badly. Just to feel reassured that I'm a healthy weight again. It's now 2 years since my last period. I was around 45 kilo's then, so it will take some more weight-gain for them to start again. That's if they ever do start again. Diann did say that there are girls whose periods never come back. That's the reality of it, and it's a possibility. She suggested I get another bone-scan done, in around 3 or 4 months time, to see if there is any sign of osteoporosis. I already had a scan done, back in the summer, and it was clear. But apparently, it can still come about, even thought I've started eating properly again. Having osteoporosis is linked to not having periods. There are also other tests that I can get done, to see if my periods will come back or not. But that's something of a later date.. And as always, time will tell.

On a cheerier note, we were still talking about the weight and that it can help me with feeling fine whenever I eat "all around me". This doesn't mean that knowing a number on the scales and therefore stuffing myself, is signs of Anna. Because it isn't. I was pleased to say however, that I hardly ever feel like "eating all around" me anymore. I don't need to eat the whole day long. I don't need to be afraid, as I used to be, that after dinner I'm going to want more food. Because I don't. My dinner portions always fill me. I don't have to escape from the kitchen anymore either for fear of overeating or going on a binge. I don't have that urge anymore.

Another thing..I'm also able to say outloud, that I'm hungry. I can finally say the words, without feeling guilty or without feeling like I'm betraying someone or without feeling like I'm saying the wrong thing. For months it was such a hard thing to admit outloud. "I'm hungry". It would make me feel like a failure. Admitting that my appetite is increasing and that I need to eat every 2 hours..SHAME ON ME!! But not anymore. I can say the words, without having to think about the effect it could have on me. Because there is no effect. It's just a normality.. Saying simple words that everyone else would say at least once a day. I can join in again..