A Good Thing no.1

An hour with Diann yesterday, like talking to a friend. She had been concerned last week, once she heard that our flight had been cancelled and that I'd be staying in Holland for two unexpected extra days. Not only that, but she was also worried because I was missing a session too, because of the cancellation, which was also unexpected. I think I've only ever gone one week without going down to see her. Which can make things trickier, especially after having a big week with a lot going on.

I filled her in on all that had been happening in my every increasing world; I told her about how the drinks got taken off me at the airport, about how well moving house went, about how much I'd been opening-up and talking comfortably with people, about how I'd eaten pizza at the party without guilt, about how I wasn't paranoid or ashamed or worried, about how I met up with my mates and felt great about it, about how I was still pleased to be leaving Holland even though I was enjoying myself and about how the extra days didn't effect me massively.. and about how I weighed myself and didn't let it effect and about how I stayed off the supplement drinks and felt fine about it. O yeah and last but not least, I told her about the stomach bug (and still have it, by the way) and that it hasn't effected my way of thinking or brought me down.

I really don't know where to begin when it comes to either expressing my feelings gratitude for how I approached things or how happy I am that life is looking up. I don't think it's the first time I've said this, and it more than likely won't be the last time either. But, yesterday as I heard myself say these things outloud, I was amazed at how well it all went. And Diann was too. She initially was concerned that the extra days in Holland would muck me up. She said she remembers how something unexpected used to also cause her to flip back into anorexia-mode, back when she was recovering. It would always make slipping back into old habits nearly inevitable. I admit that those 2 days weren't the easiest, but I got on with it and kept on eating without needing to close myself off from the world and didn't breakdown. The thoughts that did come up, I recognized them straight away which makes them easier to put into perspective and to deal with. My usual reaction to something like this, would have been at least a day in bed away from the world. Well, 2 months ago, when I went to Holland that's what I would have needed to do in order to deal with it. Or I simply wouldn't have been able to deal with it and therefore would have put myself back to bed for hours on end. The difference is huge.

When planning a trip and traveling, stress is always involved. As Diann pointed out yesterday. Not that I didn't know this of course. For people in the fullness of their health, a certain amount of stress comes along with travel. A flight cancellation would have thrown anybody off their "planned course". So it was only natural for it to have had a minor effect on me.

It also explains why Ma and I went had some misunderstandings too. Simple things like Ma asking me if I was going to eat, before leaving to go to the airport. Such a normal question to ask. But it just pushed my wrong buttons at that moment. Ma was only wanting to be sure that I wouldn't go the whole day of traveling without food. Which was her way of trying to control whatever she could, because we can't control anything, when we're travel. We're dependent on others to get us where we need to be. But for me, this question, was such a let-down. For Ma to think that I would, at this stage in my recovery, intentionally go without food for hours on end, when I knew that I had 6 or 8 hours of travel ahead of me. Not only that, it also made me feel like a child. I know Ma didn't mean it and I didn't mean to react the way I did. But at that moment, when I'm trying to figure out what to eat and am feeling slightly stressed by it all, I'm in locked into a certain way of thinking and this make it simply impossible for me to be able to stand back and rationalize what it was that Ma really meant. I felt like I was 10 years old again. Maybe because I was acting like it, or maybe because that's how Ma saw me at that moment. I don't know.

Diann said that if I'm able to realize what the intention behind the question is, then I won't feel like I'm being attacked or treated like a child. I'll see that it was meant for herself, so Ma could feel better and reassured and that she didn't say it to make me feel inadequate. But looking at the bigger picture, the whole "feeling I'm being watched and treated like a child" was the thing that I got a little paranoid about when I was over there. If it was or wasn't the case, isn't really an issue. It was mainly in my head, so I can't truly establish of it was or wasn't reality. I asked Ma straight out yesterday if she was keeping an extra eye on me. She said that she was concerned about me being without the supplements, but once that had settled, she wasn't too "observant" of me. So I'll take her word for it. And to be honest, it really doesn't matter anyhow. They were only minor things and yesterday we were both honest as to why we said what we said or why we reacted the way we did.

I know Ma is only worried about me and I can totally understand it. Especially now, that I can see how ill I got. And also that I'm only now starting to put myself out there in the world again. Diann said something interesting yesterday. She said that all the people who around are me, and who went through this illness with me, also are coming to terms with me getting stronger and better. It goes without saying that they are adjusting to the fact that I'm more capable of dealing with certain situations than I once was. And adjusting doesn't happen overnight. It's not like a switch, just like my recovery isn't like a switch either. Adjusting won't go at the exact same pace as my recovery.

For example, me suddenly feeling so good and strong and certain of being fine with eating 2 slices of pizza and being in good company at the same time, doesn't necessarily mean that the people close to me, who have been following me and supporting me throughout this who ordeal, can know and be certain that I'm feeling okay with eating 2 slices of pizza without going crazy in my head. And that's where the concern comes in, when it sometimes isn't needed on my part and when on other occasions it can be needed. And with letting go of that concern that was once needed more so than it is today, comes trust and belief in me that I am strong and able to cope with both life and eat healthy. I can totally understand it, and it only makes perfect sense.

The people close to me, know from my blog what's been going on and they therefore know how quickly moods and feelings can change. However this doesn't mean that they can possibly know if I'm going to be feeling good this time tomorrow, for example. Because I can't know and therefore they can't either. Nobody knows what's going on inside my head, from one moment to the next. I can sometimes even have a hard time keeping up with it all. Looking at it from this perspective can transform concern into me seeing it as them being compassionate, caring and loving instead of transforming it into me seeing them as them smothering me and treating me like a child. I'm not a kid but for a while, just like anybody who is ill no matter how old or young, I NEEDED and therefore WAS treated as a kid. So if this is the case, and it is, then I can't possibly feel an ounce of resentment. And I don't. Not after looking at it from a different angle. My head is clear, so I can see it now and hopefully will be able to feed from this knowledge whenever it's needed, for future reference..