Loneliness 1

After telling Diann this morning, as I've told her before over and over again and as I've written in my blog 1000 times as well, how well I've been doing and how good I've been feeling and how great and amazing I think the world is and how I excited I am, there was nothing left say. Not on my part anyhow.. I only had one question that I've been stuck with for weeks and weeks and can never seem to find the answer to: When will I know that it's over? Am I cured now?

Last week I said it to Diann, "I'm cured" and this week I said it again. The question is such a complex one. And answering it with a simple "yes" or "no", isn't really simple or easy. Especially not for her. How is she supposed to know, exactly how comfortable I'm feeling and that any feelings of uneasiness that do tend to arise, are only brought on by the fact that I don't want to be here in Ireland anymore? Can she know? Can anybody know? Or is it only me that can know the answer? Do I have to keep this good feeling going for a certain length of time, before I can safely say that I'm better? Or maybe it won't be until my physical state, is up and running, that I'll totally feel I'm over the eating disorder?

Right now, I'm so tired of talking about me and I'm tired of being as I am right now. I need so much more. The thing that's exhausting me the most, is having to constantly ask myself how I'm doing. It's the same old story over and over again of trying to figure out how and why different situations are effecting me. I don't think I need it anymore. Whenever I do think about it all, I get an instant fuzzy head. I feel drained and I don't need to feel this way. Why should I feel like a failure, for things going so well? Why does it make me feel like a waste of space, if I don't have any problems? Why did the hour I had with Diann this morning, make me feel like this? Is it because I can feel empty, without filling an hour with "proper" talk? Surely that's uncalled for? I should be proud that I've been doing so well and that I'm needing to focus on other things.

The small episode I had yesterday morning and Saturday night, was probably brought on by a couple of things. I could have lost some weight, because of the stomach bug I had last week and I could still be slightly food-deprived. I could have picked up on Ma not feeling too happy because of Tom's 3 year anniversary. But one thing I do know that was bringing me down on Saturday night, was the fact that I'm feeling lonely. I miss my friends, I miss a social life, I miss being in regular contact with them, I miss standing on my own 2 feet and my independence. I miss it all. Every night, when I go to bed, especially at the weekends (and Saturday nights it's the worst of all), the same thought comes into my mind and I instantly know that it's not true, but it's comes up anyhow.. I tell myself.. Is this it? Another day done, of just me in my own head, another day during which I've taken a walk, done some writing and reading and watching telly and eating and meditating. And tomorrow it will happen all over again and it will still be me in my own head. I know that it won't be for much longer, but at that moment, it doesn't help that feeling of loneliness.

It must sound so pathetic and it makes me annoyed that I feel like this, from time to time. But it could be only natural. Because, yes on the one hand I'm independent and don't mind being alone, but on the other hand, I need contact with my friends. Or contact with anybody other than Ma, Sean or Eileen, on a regular basis. I think in a way I should be glad that it only effects me now and then and that it doesn't rule my thinking 24 hours a day or bring me down too much. And for it to come up occasionally could also be good as it reminds me that I am more than this person who sits behind a computer, analyzing every mood, emotion and thought that comes with the daily ritual of me pushing myself to get stronger, with every week that passes..
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