Loneliness 2

Admitting today that I can feel lonely, wasn't a step back. Diann and Ma reckoned that it's a good sign that I'm feeling this way. I can see what they mean. So I don't need to dwell on it, because it does pass again. It doesn't mean that I'm someone who can't be alone or that I don't any mates. Because both of these reasons for loneliness, are not the issue. It's just that the way my life is right now, it doesn't involve close contact with my friends. But knowing this, still doesn't make me NOT think like this. Growing up, it was the most important thing in the world..having a solid group of friends and with that, a vibrant social life. Without that, wasn't it like being a loner, being friendless, being sad? Life as an "youngster" would be made so much harder because of it. For years, that's all you wanted and you thought it was all you needed to prove your worthiness..friends that will make your world a better place.. Well that was my thoughts on the matter anyhow..

Since leaving college at the age of 21, I've known that back then it's just how it was and that now life isn't like that anymore. Having x amount of friends doesn't prove anything. To have one or two, who are classed as true friends, is a blessing. If I'm honest, I have got some amazing true friends, all spread across the planet, on who I can always count. I don't see them regularly but that doesn't always have to be a problem. There are certain people I'll probably only see once every few years, but they'll always be there. Right now though, any friend would do. Any contact or any interaction. It doesn't need to be with some of dearest mates because I know that our friendship is "secure" and I don't need to have daily contact to feel reassured about this.

I guess what I'm getting at, is that be to loner, isn't bad or good. It just is. If I'm that or not, doesn't really matter. Maybe the feelings I've had over the weekend are telling me that I do want and need interaction with others. Not that I ever doubted this fact, or maybe I did for a short while. For months I didn't want or need contact, so I suppose I was a loner and thought that that was how I had to live my life. But, as this process is constantly changing, so are my needs. To feel like a new person, as I have been doing the past 4 weeks, and to also be missing a friend, contact and a social life is just me getting back in to my comfortable skin. And it's just me wanting to get on with life and needing contacts, to a certain extent, in order to do so.

So feeling lonely, doesn't have to be bad. It doesn't have muck up my head. I don't need to feel like a failure because of it. I can just feel at ease that I'll embrace the contact that I soon will have and I'll know that I can also be alone and feel fine. Because I'll have regular contact with others which will give me the balance that is needed. The balance between spending time with others and spending time alone. Loneliness won't be an issue and if it is, it's just a sign that I'll have withdrawn myself for too long. So it never has to be a bad thing and it doesn't make me a failure. Everybody needs contact with others. It's a part of living. And as I'm feeling like a new person, I only yearning to live life as it should be lived.

Back to today's session, I left and didn't feel too happy. I'm not sure why. It might not be doing me good, going down there and not feeling like I need it anymore. Because that's how I felt today. I honestly didn't know why I had gone down. It might not sound that nice, for me to say this. It makes me feel so useless. Not having anything to say. It's not making me happy at all. It should be a good thing. Maybe it's just a sign that I don't need therapy anymore. But I don't know if I'm running away with myself, as I so often do. It's like I almost need an extra push, to know that I don't need this anymore. (I did have a dream last night, that there was a massive party for me, because I was all better. All my family was there, and everyone was hugging me..it was great) I've even thought about stopping this blog. I might not need it anymore. But whenever I think like that, I quickly realize that I do. Even if is to babble *****. I don't know. I shouldn't over think it all too much. Because everyday will come and go and this process will keep on going, as I'm still pushing myself in the direction I need to go and therefore time will tell. So I'll just go with it, and see what happens..