A note of thought

I'm pretty sure it's passed. The bug seems to have gone. Since the night before last. Yesterday I did well. I ate toast, soup and yogurt and drank lots of fluid. I took it easy, didn't go for a walk either. Even though I would have loved to. The weather was so nice.. Blue skies and everything. But there'll be more days like that to come. I slept really well, again and didn't have cramps. I was feeling weak and woozy in my head though, before going to bed, just like I did the night before. But maybe just because I was tired. By that stage I wanted to eat lots and lots, so I went to bed which would make breakfast time come sooner.

I woke up and thought about food and was excited. I was thinking about what I was in the mood for. I didn't want anymore bread. I've had enough of that for the next while anyhow. So I had normal cereal for breakfast. I'm still wary about eating fruit though. I don't want it to start things off again. Even though I'd love some orange juice, some prunes, some kiwi's.. hummm.. I'm not really feeling like I'm going to overeat and I know why. It's because I wasn't restricting myself for the past days, even though I wasn't eating proper meals. It's probably just the frame of my mind I had, while I was doing it.

I'm really in the mood for yogurt, filled with lots of stuff. It's been so long. I would have thought that yogurt would be coming out of my ears by now, but it's not. So that's good. I'm still wary about eating fish though. If it makes me feel sick then it might put me off it forever. And that would be such a shame. So I'll see how I feel later on and see what the rest of my eating does to my stomach. All in all, the past 2 days haven't mucked me up. I'm still wanting food and I don't feel guilty, I don't feel like anything has been triggered. So it's all good. Thank god. I'm off to acupuncture later on. So that will be nice again and will boost my appetite and energy again.

I've been thinking the past few days about how well things are going, and how good I've been feeling. Looking back on the past weeks, I've been feeling so normal. And I think it's all down to the books I've been reading and the meditating I've been doing. I know it's not for everybody, but as they say.. "Don't mock it until you've tried it". I've been doing the meditating now for maybe 5 weeks, everyday. And I can honestly say that it only gets easier, better and nicer. I actually look forward to it. It gives me such a positive outlook on everything. One day, during the week, even though I had the bug, I was meditating and I could feel for an instant that I was getting a shot of adrenaline or energy or something. It was amazing. Other times my whole body goes numb and I feel all floaty. It can, in some ways, be compared to the feelings that acupuncture brings on. It's amazing, to feel so much but so little at the same time, from doing nothing at all.

I used to always want to meditate and gave it a go a few times when I was in Oz. But it was like a chore and it would frustrate me as I didn't know if I was doing it properly and if I was, it wasn't doing what it was supposed to be doing. But I approached it the wrong way. My "mind-setting" was all off. Since coming back to Ireland, I wanted to start practising it but wasn't able to or the time just wasn't right. Since the beginning of January, it's become a daily ritual. A far better and more beneficial ritual compared to keeping a food-diary... I meditate for around 15 or 20 minutes, every morning. And it's said that when you do it, it gets the creative juices flowing. And nothing could be more true than that. Each time I seem to come up with so many ideas and I get so much inspiration. Afterwards all I want is pen and paper and all I want to do is express everything that comes up, while I'm in that reflective mood. Because really that's what meditating does..it puts you in a reflective mood.

It's such a great place to be. Being "there" and feeling so great while doing this, and at the same time wanting to express everything that comes up..be it feelings of gratitude, compassion, love or happiness, is so overwhelming and gives me so much drive. At that moment, I'd love to do both at the same time.. but that's impossible. So doing one, in order to do, be and feel what's there and express it through everything I do and think is such a challenge, but so effortless at the same time. I want to keep it going, because it keeps me so focused, calm, driven, happy and energized (even when the food wasn't been taken in for days). And that's really saying something.

Right now, I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. The books I'm reading are stimulating me to keep up this way of going about life. And then I'd ask myself, how good or bad is it, to cling onto somebody else's writings? Is it wise to hold on to somebody else's wisdom or beliefs, and use that to help myself? But surely if these writers are teachers, counsellors, doctor's or professors, then surely I'm only learning from them? Just like I've been learning from Diann.. who also had to get her knowledge from someone else? It's said that there is a certain amount of knowledge that a person can hold, "naturally".. It's the field of intelligence, that just needs to tapped in to, to access the knowledge. But, besides this, being open to learn from other peoples lives, experiences, insights and ways of living, isn't that what life is all about? Aren't people and how their lives have turned out, also expressions or ways or means as to how others can heal, grow and eventually inspire those who will be needing the same information and wisdom in time to come?

I guess what I'm trying to establish, or maybe already know, is that the role another person's knowledge, wisdom, writings, experience and life-journeys can play in your own life, no matter how big or small, doesn't have to be classed as silly, far-fetched, over-the-top, insignificant or harming. If anything, it's good and it's how the world works. So I don't have to doubt myself, for clinging on to what I need at this moment in time. I don't need to feel ashamed or feel like a failure for being open to learning about deeper things and for wanting to experience them.

If some of the knowledge was already there, and I'm now only seeing it, then it's true what Diann said..that with an eating disorder comes are certain amount of wisdom. These writers and Diann too, could be inspiring me to just open my eyes and see it all and that everything was really already there. Learning is a good thing and it's timeless and when enjoyed it's even effortless. Especially when you consider what you get in return.. An ocean of knowingness, that gives you so much opportunities, inspiration, drive and determination. So why would I even doubt that where I am and what I'm doing, could be the wrong thing. Because if it feels so right, then isn't that proof enough? I'm doing what is serving me, right here, right now. And that's all that matters..