Protecting and projecting 1

Being over-sensitive..
Something I've always wondered about. I asked Diann yesterday.. Is it possible for me to pick-up on other peoples' issues or problems? Could it be that I can sense whenever other people with whom I have a certain closeness, are not doing too well or if they have a lot of problems going on in their lives, without them saying anything?

When I look back to when I was in the middle of this journey, I'd always remember that there were certain people who I couldn't be around. The moment they'd walk in to the room, I'd contract. I feel choked-up or get a heavy chesty feeling straight away, just by their presence. I never knew why. It was a mystery as it would be around the people that I love. They hadn't done or said anything to make me react in this way. Just them being "there" was enough and all I wanted was to avoid any contact, when times were hard.

It was especially difficult when I was going through so much stuff myself. I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. And to be around another person, who is also carrying their own weight, was so draining. Even though I didn't try to help or talk to them to make them feel better. I just let them be. I finally got around to asking Diann about this yesterday. It was actually because of the bad feelings I was having on Sunday morning. I realized that I could have been picking up on Ma feeling sad. But Ma never spoke about her feelings, or did or said anything for me to want or feel the need to take on her problems or her sadness. There was nothing like that going on. So it really took me by surprise. I suppose picking-up on other peoples feelings, is something that has been happening all along probably my whole life, but it's only now that I'm able to see it and I'm able to know why the people to whom I'm close to, can influence me in a certain way.

On Sunday I felt down for a while, but I got over it. Diann said that it's part of the "personality" or "character trait" that goes with people who have eating disorders. This over-sensitivity. It's partly down to having this as a personality trait, what gave me the "potential" to develop an eating disorder. I've known this for a while, but I'm only able to truly feel the reactions that I can have to those around me, for the past couple of months.

To deal with this, it's a question of knowing and setting my own boundaries. A subject that has played a big role, for some time now. It does make sense. On Sunday when I was around Ma (and she was cleaning too, which is a sign she's trying to deal with something or other..well not all the time of course, sometimes the house needs a clean..), I was trying to place myself in that bubble that I can visualize myself to be in whenever I feel that I'm being effected by someone's presence (but it didn't really work). Diann has told me to use this bubble before, when I first started noticing the over-sensitivity. Because being "protected" by something like this, can mean that nothing can happen to me or my mood or my thinking or my feelings, just because of somebody either having a bad day or having a difficult period in their life.

There's a book I've been reading, on boundaries. And it's so interesting. It confirms all the talking and analyzing I've been doing with and without Diann, on getting close to people, letting them in and letting them influence my feelings or my state of mind. It's comes down to how well you know your real self, how comfortable you feel being your own person and protecting that precious being you have inside, from the world. Being confident and truly knowing who you are, to the core is the key to being strong enough to project yourself to the world. It can also determine how much this outside world can effect who you are and how you stand in life. It's the core of your being or your inside world that's a place where nobody else can ever get and a place that only you know to be real and to make it real is to put yourself and every fibre of your being, out there and stand by that truth with the reassurance that your boundaries will always be there protecting you.

More to come..