Still a bug

It's Tuesday afternoon, and at the moment I've still got the stomach bug. It's been 4 days now. Diarrhea like there's no tomorrow. It's draining me and I feel weak, if I'm honest. This feeling started yesterday morning. I was tired and walking up the stairs was nearly too much. For days the food has just been running through me so I'm not taking in anything from it.

Yesterday I said to Diann that I could have lost a bit of weight. I'm not 100% sure though. But I can feel it in my shoulders and arms. They feel all tight and bony. I don't know if they've always been like that and that I'm only truly feeling it now or if it's because I haven't been taking in any food for days. I can't say for certain.

It's a feeling that I remember getting when I was in Darwin, a year and half ago. Which was also when I started to loose a lot of weight. It was a feeling that became permanent, so I became oblivious to it after a while. It's like you can feel yourself getting skinnier, and bones become visible and the skin gets tighter. It's almost as if your whole body become tightly wrapped by invisible wrapping, that clings to your bones and the less you eat and more active you get, the tighter the wrapping becomes and the more bones you begin to feel. That's how I used to feel, but it became normal. And for a while, up until a few days ago, I started feeling full and like I was expanding and almost like my skin and bones are able to breathe and relax and grow and strengthen. It's hard to put this feeling into words. It's a feeling I've only been becoming aware of that I had back then and that I have in a minor way right now. It's nothing big. It could be my imagination maybe. But if it is, then why is it coming to my attention?? huummm...

Yesterday I wanted to go to yoga, but I wasn't feeling too good and at around 8 o'clock I was running back and forth to the bathroom again. It's the strangest thing, but it only ever starts in the evening and continues on throughout the night and stops early in the morning. So I haven't been sleeping well either. Today I was up at 5, so now it feels like it's late in the evening..

During the day, just like now, I feel okay. A little tired and lifeless, but generally not sick or anything. I started taking tablets last night, but I was afraid I'd overdose on them. They were giving me more pain in my stomach than I already had. But I should just keep on taking them and there are few other "remedies" I'm trying too. Anything to get this to stop. Because without food, I feel awful. I'm being reminded of what I used to feel like months ago, a feeling I used to welcome, a dizziness that made me feel happy. But not anymore. I need and want energy. I want to be able to go for a walk each day. But I'm almost afraid I'll be doing myself more bad than good by strolling around the block. I've only been for a walk once this week and I'm yearning to get out.. I don't want this bug to muck me up, physically. I don't want it to set me back.

Diann said yesterday that even though I'm feeling drained and disgusting right now, the fact that this bug isn't effecting me in any other way, is a big improvement. A while ago, I wouldn't have been able to deal with it. I wouldn't have been able to still feel fine with eating even though it's making me feel sick. I wouldn't have been able to keep the bug separate from Anna. The two would have become one. But not anymore. Seeing as though Anna doesn't rule my days and nights anymore, she also won't seek indulgence or satisfaction in a stomach bug. So often, when recovering and whenever a little weight is lost whilst still in recovery, it can trigger all kinds of "classical eating disorder stuff". But if I have lost a little weight, it hasn't seemed to bring up any old stuff. I don't want to keep the weight off, I have to keep on gaining. It isn't making Anna stronger because she doesn't control me. So, if anything can be gained from this bug, if it's not weight, then it's more reassurance that I'm strong. So for now, I'm signing off, and will take the rest of the day as it comes..