Sunday Evening no.1

Sunday evening, and it's been a little bit tricky. Trickier than any other day this week. It started last night and I'm not too sure what was the matter. But there was so much guilt when it came to eating, that it really brought me down. A biscuit was too much, a piece of bread wasn't necessary. And I was dreaming about food again and slightly stressed out about what to have for breakfast and lunch. I didn't want to get up because I didn't want to have to make a decision as to what to have for breakfast. So I lay in bed reading for a while. But there was only so long I could put it off for. I had breakfast anyhow, but didn't really want to. I felt alien again, whilst eating. It seemed like a weird and awful thing to be doing and I felt like a pig. So much guilt for no apparent reason.

I started to get really down and for the first time in weeks, I was kind of breaking-down. I couldn't stop crying, wanted to crawl out of my skin, couldn't bring myself to look in the mirror, wanted to be sick and my heart was weighing so heavily on my chest. I don't know what was wrong. I wanted to go back to bed really. But I didn't let myself. I knew that I could get through a few tears without needing to close myself off. I could do this. I didn't want to give in to these feelings and end up ruining the day. Today was also 3 years since Tom passed away and we were going out for a meal, to mark his anniversary. I didn't want to be in a bad mood and I didn't want anything to effect me.

So, since I'm getting stronger, physically, I was able to turn things around by going for a walk, instead of going back to bed and shutting the outside world out of my inside world. I knew I'd be able to get back on track, my embracing the outside world and making it apart of my inside world. I left the house and was close to tears. Do you think I knew why? Of course not. But the fresh air instantly made me feel like a new person. It was so nice. Mr. Acupuncturist said to me before, whenever feeling like I've an extra weight to carry in my chest (which is more than likely trapped anxiety), that the only thing that will get rid of it, is a long walk and for ages this solution wasn't an option for me. But today it was, and it will continue to be, as I rebuild my strength. I didn't plan on going for a certain amount of time. I was "timeless" so it was purely a walk to get some fresh air and to clear my head because it was feeling fuzzy and I was dazed by it.

I ended up walking further than I ever thought I'd be able for, so soon. I was gone from the house for nearly an hour and a half. It was so so nice. The air is starting to warm up again and there was a feeling of spring. I walked over to Fernhill, the road where I grew up. It was so strange. It wasn't my intention to take a "trip down memory lane", but that was just where my legs were taking me. I hadn't been down that road, in so many years and I thought it could be interesting. It looked so small. In my memory, it's a long road and wide road. But in reality it's quite short and narrow. Nearly every house I passed, I could remember the name of the family that used to live there 15 years ago. Some of the families are still there, I reckon. Nearly every house on that road was connected to the web of friends, families and acquaintances that was my life back then before moving to Holland nearly 17 years ago.

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