Analyzing Envy 2

I've an example of what can be done, with feelings of envy or how they can be beneficial..
Once upon a time.. A no, it's not a fairytale ;)
Anyhow, back on track. Months ago, I felt so resentful towards Eileen. She was planning on traveling and leaving Ireland. That made me so angry that sometimes I couldn't bring myself to look at her. And then it made me feel so bad, that I couldn't be happy for her instead of resenting her. The envy totally took over me. I gave into it and saw myself as a bad person for feeling like this towards her. She was doing the things that I wanted and needed in life. Back then, I didn't see that traveling was going to happen anytime soon, so that made it worse. I couldn't make plans and I felt like she was doing all the things I was meant to be doing. I didn't have the energy to argue with her and I couldn't express anger either, so I blanked her for a few days instead. This was so unfair of me.

Now though I can see why it was happening. Yes, I knew back then why it was happening, but it's so much clearer now. The moment I felt envy, I knew why. But I couldn't do anything with it, I couldn't plan and I couldn't travel back then. So I should have just accepted it. After a few days, I did, but I for many weeks I couldn't bare to hear about her plans. When this issue first arose, there was no solution and I only created a problem towards her, when really it was nothing to do with her. It was me, missing travels and it was only her being able to do it, that made me angry. I took it out on her, by ignoring her. It made me feel awful though. And Diann would tell me, that it's just an emotion and it doesn't make me a bad person. But I know different now.

This experience I had, being envious towards Eileen, was such a learning curve. Once I'd accepted it, I was able to take something so valuable away from that situation. Hearing her words and listening to her plans, made me truly ask myself, why is it making me feel so bad? Why is it such a big problem? Why is it effecting me this way? Why is my heart being broken, just by her words? As soon as I asked myself these questions, the answers came naturally. If I'm nearing break-down from such envy and resentment, then there's no doubt in my mind, that travel is all is need to do. And that's when I made the decision to break away from Holland and to definitely travel, for as long as possible and as far as I want. I'm sounding like a broken record and everyone knows by now, that travel was always what I wanted and I knew I would eventually be able to leave Arklow, but this "episode" just confirmed my desire. And it was going to be huge and feel amazing. It was going to be my purpose in life and I wasn't going stressed about where I'd go first and when I'd go (I'm still not by the way, because I know that it will happen).

The envy I can feel towards people who travel, has now gone. And it makes me feel so happy to say this. I don't resent Eileen for wanting to leave (she's not planning on traveling anymore, by the way). Hearing about other people traveling, makes me excited for them. It gets my juices flowing and gives me adrenaline and a rush, because I know how wonderful it is. All I do now, is wish for everybody to have amazing experience, whilst hopping around the planet because, in my eyes, there's nothing more amazing or magical. And general envy towards who people have or do or experience, I'll never have to such an extent. Of course there'll be situations when I could feel like that, but not in such a manner that it will have a bad influence on me and the other person involved.

I can safely say that I won't feel the envy so strongly again, because as soon as I'm totally back on my feet, I'll be doing what I need and have dreamed of. And that will be all I need. If the envy does happen to come up as strongly as it did when hearing of travel, then I'll seriously have to ask myself, why? There will be some reason, for an urge to be so strong and to overwhelm me to such an extent. I'll be able to learn from it, just like I've learned from the situation with Eileen.

Why am I so sure and why does it make me feel so good? Because I know who I am and I know what I'm meant to be doing. So I won't want anybody else's lifestyle, because I'll have my own. I won't want anybody else's determination, drive, passion, dreams, experiences or plans. Because I'll have my own. And knowing this, also tells me that I'll have the confidence to never look at another person and want to be them, in any way, shape or form. Because I'll be exactly who I want and need to be and that's me.

How great life can be ;)