The weekend.. 1

It's Thursday morning. And everything has settled since yesterday's little "lesson". So right now, I'm trying to focus on one thing at a time. Because this weekend will be busy. Tomorrow Sandra and her mate Jennifer are coming over. It will be great seeing them, and catching up. And then Saturday morning, I've to get the bus up to Dublin Airport, then I'm flying to Cork and there I'll be meeting Shellie and Kate and Mickey's sister Jayne. I'll be staying with his family, and Monday I'm flying back again.

So, for now, that's what I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for. But maybe I don't need to focus on it too much or worry about it. Maybe I should just take it as it comes. I catch myself worrying about things that might happen during the next few weeks or months, and jumping ahead. When I really don't need to. I have to just be in the here and now. If not, I'll just create a muddle in my head and I can't afford for that to happen.

Because right now, on top of thinking too much about this weekend, I'm also still waiting for a reply from work, as to when it's okay for me to officially quit my job. I've had contact with my teamleader over the past week. And it's not a problem for me to quit. Now it just has to be made official by a certain date. So I'm waiting for word from her, regarding that specific date and not until then, will another weight be lifted. But I can't seem to stop myself from still fearing that it will all go belly-up. When, really, there's nothing that could go majorly wrong.. And worrying about it right now, is only making my head feel all cloudy and fuzzy. So I've had to convince myself, both yesterday and today, that nothing big and bold and bad can happen. Absolutely nothing. For now, it's just a waiting game, until I can finally breathe easy, knowing that everything in Holland has been sorted out. Until then, there's nothing I can do, so I just have to sit it out and accept the situation as it is.

So, back to today. Everything is arranged now for going down to Tipperary. But I've found myself wondering what on earth am I going to tell them, when they ask what I do. People always pay general interest in what others do, especially when they are just getting to know each other. So what am I supposed to say? I'm jobless? I'm recovering from an eating disorder? I'm in a "transition-zone"? Should I make up a story? Should I be honest? But does it really have anything to do with them, what's been going on in my life? No, it doesn't. But on the other hand, am I ashamed by what I've been going through, the past 8 months, that I should feel I have to lie about it? No, I don't. So what am I supposed to do? People might start to look at me in a different light, once they hear that I've been ill. People can judge and people can feel uncomfortable.

What would be wise? Do I want to tell them what's been going on, and face all the possible questions that could arise or all the awkwardness it could bring up? It make it especially difficult seeing as though I'll be staying in their house, because it means eating in their house.. I know that it will be a big challenge, for me to eat other peoples food, without knowing how it's prepared and without being able to choose what to eat. Going to a restaurant is different, at least then I have some "control", because I can choose what I want from the menu. But in somebody elses house, I have to eat whatever is given to me. The thing is, I do like most foods, really I do. But I don't feel comfortable eating all foods.. So if I were to tell them, what I've been doing for the past while, then automatically the food will become a bigger issue than it would be, if I were NOT to say what I've been doing the past months..

What a dilemma.. Yesterday when I heard that it was all definitely going to happen, I thought about what precautions I could take. Like having a "party food plan", I could also have some sort of "weekend food plan", for those days, so I'll feel I still have some control as to what I'm eating, which will keep the guilt away and won't stir-up too much.. This will be the biggest challenge I've had to face so far, I reckon. In terms of being a part of the world, without having an eating disorder and without letting it rule me.