The weekend.. 2

So what am I going to do?? Right, I can first of all, give myself 2 days, during which I'm allowed to have and enjoy anything I want. Even though that's what I usually do anyhow, but this weekend is different. If I don't do this, I could start restricting in order to gain control or end up hating myself for putting the "wrong" foods in to my stomach. So the "weekend food plan" will start from Saturday lunchtime. Seeing as though that's also when I meet Mickey's sister at the airport. There'll be a lunch, and then a dinner (it will probably be a massive roast or something.. or stew..oh god.. panic. well the worst case scenario would be if I had to eat a stew. I'm not a fan, I'd eat it, but it's so thick and heavy and I'd feel disgusting for eating it...but if that's what they're going to give, then I'll eat it, I'm allowed it have it) and probably some proper drinks too. I'm allowed 4 drinks on Saturday. Sunday, there'll probably be fry-up in the morning (again, worst case scenario), I won't be happy eating it, but I'll have it anyhow. Then there's another lunch and probably another roast and more booze. Again, I'm allowed 4. Monday morning, there'll be another fry-up. Overall, there'll be biscuits and cakes. I can have 1 cake and/or 3 biscuits.. This is probably as "bad" as it could get. But I'm just presuming this is what it will be like, when really it's impossible for me to know how it will be. I can't know what food they'll be serving. Maybe we'll go out for dinner.. Maybe I'll feel fine with food and I'll eat everything without guilt. It could all turn out to be okay. It could be a disaster. I simply can never know or predict how it will be. But it makes me feel safe to a certain extent, to know that if they going does get tough, that I'll have something to hold on to, instead of crumbling or suddenly having "attacks" from Anna.

It would be such a shame, if food had to ruin my weekend. It hasn't ruined my days for quite a while now. I think Christmas was the last time. And I don't want it to happen again. I suppose it just depends on how I approach it really. And it's only if I let it ruin the weekend then that's what will happen...Maybe by going over it, the way I am right now, is making it worse. But then again, if it's a safety net, then it can only work in my favour.

If I can eat and feel fine this weekend, I know I'll be able to do anything. I'll know I'll have come miles in the space of a few months. I'll be able for anything. Why is this weekend such a big deal? Well, because not only will I be in someone elses house, I'll also be saying a proper goodbye to Mickey (even though it might be a year too late), which can cause a few things to come up and I'll also be seeing Shellie and Kate, who will be the first people I'll have seen from my travels, since getting rid of Anna and also since having put on weight. When I saw them last, Anna was just starting to make a proper introduction. We said goodbye, when we were in Darwin. So that really says enough about the "state" I was in when we last saw each other. They do know a little bit of what's been going on, but not to any extent. So I'm also kind of wary about what and how much I'll tell them.

All these little things, rolled into 2 days.. It will be big. That's all I can say. I know it will be good if I can get through it. I know whatever happens, that I'll be stronger for it. And it will be a learning curve, or a chance for me to "test the water". Right, I have to let it settle, and I'm sure I'll know what to say about my life, when the time comes. I'll know what to do, if it gets too much. I have to believe in that and just take it as it comes. There's really no more I can do. Because predicting the future, isn't my "line of work"... and is only wrecking my head.. So I'm letting it go and I'm going to be strong and get through it..