9 months..

Last week Monday, after seeing Diann, I went to see the doctor; Siobhan. The week before I had my blood tests done, I had a bone and heart scan aswell so Monday it was time to give Siobhan a visit. It had been nearly 6 months since I seen her last. I think it was back in September. And seeing as though how well things are going and also knowing that I'll be leaving soon, we thought it was time to pay her a visit, just to wrap things up.

I got the results back from the tests I got done and everything was normal! My bloods were good, my heart rate was normal and my bones were okay. But it's a bit a vague subject though at the moment, the whole bone thing.. Because I could still end up having osteoporosis apparently. It's the density in the bones that weakens, and it's connected to having periods or not. My periods still haven't come back and it could take years, seeing as though my weight isn't soaring. Traveling will only prolong the process of weight gain, because I'll be more active again and need a higher intake of calories, which I'm really not getting, because I've reached my limit of food-intake, over the past weeks. My weight is still only 41 kilo's. Something I really wish would just pile on, because the sooner my periods come back, the less damage will be done. It would be reassuring too. Diann has told me before that every person is different and there's no certainty that they will come back. It's all pretty complicated, the whole bone-weight-period topic. But the only thing I can do, is get a bone scan once or twice a year, to keep on top of any developments. Other than that, I just have to be patient and keep my calcium intake as high as possible.

All that aside, the physical aspects are all getting back to normal. And I'm delighted! There's nothing holding me back now. Seeing Siobhan yesterday, was like the last little step towards declaring myself FREE from everything that was once holding me back. Me and Ma sat in the waiting room.. 9 months after my "coming out". It was the 9th of June when I sat in the same waiting room, waiting to see Siobhan for the first time. The biggest day of my life., The day I sat in the waiting room, not knowing what was going to happen or if I'd be able to hide my eating habits. The day my heart was racing like mad, for fear of admitting that I had a problem. The day I walked in and burst into tears, even before I sat down. Looking back to that day, it's feels like such a daze. I can hardly remember any of it clearly. I remember standing on the scales, and it said 34 kilos. I remember how 34 kilo's was far too much. I remember the way Siobhan approached me and gently urged to me admit, own up and and to be honest about my condition. I remember looking at the ground and trying to dig so deep, taking deep breaths as I told myself that this would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do in my life..and then the courage and strength came from somewhere and I managed to say the words that would change my life forever.."I have anorexia". I remember Ma saying that I deserved a hug..and that was it.. the rollercoaster took over my life from that day onwards.

9 months..it's the time in which a baby is brought to full term. It's the time it takes for a tiny little body to evolve and to be physically able to survive out in the world, detached from the womb which was it's safe, warm, comfortable, stable and familiar home. It survives breathing it's own breath, it's providing it's own warmth and building it's own strength. 9 months later.. It's also the time it took for someone to face their deepest, darkest side. It's such a relatively short space of time, for such a huge thing to have been dealt with. In the greater scheme of things, 9 months is nothing. For most, a life is just lived, from day to day, without change or without a challenge. But when that change is brought upon us, without our choosing it, and still working to embrace it and welcome the unwanted; a life can be turned upside down and inside out and eventually become so much richer. A head can feel like it's exploding, a body can feel like it's vanishing, and a soul can feel like it's dieing. But with all this being said and felt, a life is experienced so joyous and beautiful when managing to fight with the deepest, darkest self and not care about what else is going on in the world whilst unintentionally becoming so selfish and focusing on one thing alone and one thing only, which is yourself, in order to survive.