Faith that all is well - 1

After rambling on for ages yesterday, about Australia, I've still got so much that I need to say.. Yesterday I just wanted it "out there" as soon and as quickly as possible. But it was so much mumbo-jumbo that I needed let it breathe, so to speak, and now I can let it settle.

Last night, I felt a lot better, for finally having decided to share my plans. I felt like I'd taken a huge step and that now there's no turning back. Not that I want to turn back, but telling it and discussing it more and more, makes it more real. But that's good. Because I need that to make it happen. I felt relieved for others to know that I'm really feeling so strong that I'm able to have a conversation about my plans without feeling exposed or overwhelmed. Because that's how I felt up until a few weeks ago. The reactions I've been getting have been great. And the worries I had yesterday about people not believing in me, weren't really needed (worrying is never really necessary but often it happens without us wanting or needing it to..it just takes over).

Most of my family and friends are happy for me, even though they are concerned at the same time. Which I have to understand. And I can, to a certain extent. It shows their compassion and it shows that I mean something to them. The thing that was getting me down yesterday and last night, was the influence other peoples reactions could easily have on me. Especially when it comes from those who I'm particularly close to. It makes it harder. But for their concern to be greater than their joy for me feeling so good, makes me doubt their belief in me.

I was emailing Natasja this morning, and she said that alot people will be concerned because of the memories Australia might bring up. That's where it all started. And I'd be lying if I said that those exact same thoughts hadn't entered my mind. And I even spoke to Diann about it weeks ago.. I was doubting the whole thing, because the lifestyle that travelers have in Australia, was the thing that got it's "claws" into my eating habits. Diann said that it's only natural for to have doubts like that, but that I'm not the same person I was back then. Back then, I wanted to prove everybody wrong by being a backpacker who returns home without 5 kilo's of extra weight, but with a whole lot less instead. That's how the anorexia really got a hold of me, at that point in my life.. Another thing Diann has reassured me of is that I was going to get anorexia no matter where I was traveling or living.. it was in my genes and was going to hit me at one stage or another, and what better time to start kicking my behind and trying to sabotage something that I value so much in life and something that was so close to my heart..which was traveling..

So the thoughts of me not being the same person as I was when I went to Oz or when I left Oz, made any doubts that I was having about me getting into my old habits, a lot less. I can trust myself to know that the anorexia will never take hold of me the way it has done. And any time it tries to, I have the tools to fight back. I could look at going back to Australia like another step, at facing what happened and with that, facing my fear. Just like looking at photo's from a year and half ago, when I was losing so much weight and when the illness was starting to control me..when I first saw them, it was like a kick in the teeth, because a part of me wanted that physical state again. But the larger part of me didn't and the more I look at those photo's now, the more I'm at ease with that part of my life and less grief I feel, for anorexia to have gotten a hold of me. For the rest of my life, I could avoid going back to Oz, for fear of running the risk that things could get stirred-up. I could ignore this feeling and urge I have whenever I hear the name or whenever I hear the accent, the feeling that breaks my heart. I could switch if off, just because there's a tiny chance that going back could show me that darker side of myself, that I've faced over the months gone by. I could easily go against what feels right for me to do, right now, just to not have to face this challenge. But it wouldn't make me happier at all. If anything, it would throw me off-course.

I can't afford to engage too much in what other people think. It brings on stress and even fear. When really I'm not scared at all.. It's like I'm taking on their feelings, just so I'll feel like I'm serving a purpose instead and not ignoring their feelings. When really I should be distancing myself from their point of view, understanding it and just letting it be. If I'm honest, the more people worry about it being too soon, the more determined I am to prove that it's not. I know that's not the right way to go about it, but I also know that even if nobody was worried or thought that it was too soon, that I'd still be going. So whenever that whole "proving aspect" comes up, I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter what others say, be it good or bad, I'm independent of their opinions. My decision has been made, one way or another.

Last night I just wanted to scream. I wanted to shout to everybody that I needed their support. It was like I was yearning for it. I do need people to believe in me, even though I do believe in myself. It would simply make it so much easier if people were supportive. And, don't get me wrong, most people are. (So really I don't know what I'm going on about..but anyhow..it needs to be said)

Another thing that I was realizing, this morning as I was going for a walk around the block, was that looking back over the last 8 months, and seeing the massive leaps that I've been making only recently and the speed at which things are going, it can really seem like it's all going too fast. It might seem like I've come further in the last 2 months, than I have done in the beginning. It might seem like I've done more work over the past 2 months than I did in the beginning. But that's not the case. Because looking back, just makes me see how much I was dealing with in the beginning.. Everything that I went through, since the beginning of July, trying to eat, my body being burnt-out, my insides nearly to shutting down, dealing with so much sh*t from my past, being in a country I didn't want to be, changing my whole life style and going against everything I believed in.. Thinking about it all, absolutely everything, and it seems so much. Maybe even too much, for any sane person to deal with. But I was doing it, all at once whilst being so close to death. It was so huge and so much, that nobody will probably ever realize-not even me. Then I was starting to get proper nourishment, nutrition, rest and strength and everything started to fit into place, which makes me see that really looking at the overall 8 months, every stage of recovery has been going a high speed. But it's seems like it's going faster now, because I'm putting myself out in the world again. It seems like I'm making more progress than I was in the beginning, but it's just a different stage.

I seem to now know that I'm someone who can literally take on the world, all at once, and not be overwhelmed by it. I can deal with externals and internals, at the same time, no matter how off-balance either one or the other, or both, could be. And I now know that I can feel when it does get too much. This is why the last few months seem to have gone quicker than the first..when looking closely, really the speed has always been there. I've always had this in everything I've done and I still have it..and that's the need for new challenges and experiences. And that's what anorexia didn't make me believe I didn't have. This past year, was the biggest challenge of my life, and it's been the hardest time of my life.. but it never proved to be too big for me to handle. And once the anorexia started to ease away and take a seat in the back row throughout the course of the few past months, that's when I knew that it was time to start putting me, myself and I, out there in the world and each decision flowed into the next and before I knew what was happening, I was sitting at the kitchen table writing on my blog that I'm planning on going back to Australia.

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