Faith that all is well - 2

I think I have just given myself even more reassurance, that I'm able to do this. And I don't need to feel like things are going faster than they were in the beginning.. it's just a different stage of my recovery. The last stage, I can safely say. As overwhelming as it all may seem, to others and to myself, this is who I am. I've always been on top of life and never ran from what was real or what seemed like "too much effort or hard work". People always used to be amazed that I would go from one job to the next, or one country to the next, with such ease and such joy. And now I'm happy to say that I still have that. Or else it wouldn't feel so right for me to be preparing myself to be leaving. (Another example: The idea of going back to Oz, had settled a couple of weeks ago, and instantly I started getting ahead of myself. I was thinking of stopping-off in India on the way over to Oz, to do a yoga course for a month. And then I was thinking of going to Vietnam to do an English teaching course.. There it was again..me getting way ahead of myself as usual.. So I had to calm down and tell myself, that I can still do all those things, once I've started traveling again. Slow down Niamh!!! don't totally overdo it.. But that's just another example and even a confirmation of me always needing and wanting new experiences and challenges no matter where I am or what I'm doing in my life, or even how improbable some goals may seem.)

I know my family and friends are supporting me, even with their concerns. For some people, in the fullest of their health, going abroad on a big trip with no definite plans, can seem like a massive big deal..and that's without having just recovered from anorexia. Maybe that's also why some people are or will be doubtful that it's the right decision or if it's the right time. But to me, it doesn't feel too big. If it did, I wouldn't be excited about it all.

It's strange but deep down, I always knew I'd go back at some stage or another. I was reading through some of my text messages that I sent in August to a friend of mine, who is Australian, saying that when I'm better I'll come and visit. After sending it, I never thought anymore about the text and only last week when I was deleting some of my texts, I read it.. It was the strangest feeling, that back then (I can't even remember sending it or where my head was at) I wanted to go back.. Just goes to show, that the desire and intention was always there, but so overshadowed by the eating disorder. But I never forgot it and I just listened to what was there. When I left Oz, a year and a half ago, I knew I'd go back..I knew there was still so much more left for me to see and do.. There was so much I missed out on, because of the way I traveled back then. The amount of work I did and the determination I had to save every penny to get to other countries, made me skip a lot of what Australia had to offer. You'd never hear me say that I regret the way I traveled, because I don't. If I had done it any differently, I wouldn't have met the fantastic people I now class as dear friends. I wouldn't change a thing. But I know that I won't travel like that again.. It will all be for the journey, and not for the destination. It will be for the moment, and not for the outcome. It won't be about achieving, but experiencing. It won't be about proving myself to others, but it will be me living my own life, for me.

I see going to Australia like closing one chapter and opening another. I see it as another step. It's just in my nature to always push myself. Back in August when I was in a muddle and fighting like mad to beat Anna, nobody was telling me I was pushing too much. Nobody was telling me to calm down. Nobody was telling me I was getting ahead of myself. Nobody was concerned that I might not be able for it. People just let me be. Because they believed in me. So why would people try to suddenly want me to stop pushing myself to finally live life to the fullest? Wasn't beating Anna all so I could live my life the way I want? And isn't this stage therefore apart of it? It's still some of the journey I need to face. If somebody would have told me I was doing too much too soon, back in September when I was scared beyond belief at what I was facing and when everyday brought a huge milestone with it.. I wouldn't have listened (not that there was anybody telling me that it was too much). I always knew to listen to what I was able for. And it's the same with leaving Arklow.. I'm listening to what I'm able for..

So I'm good when it comes to people expressing concern. I understand and I can deal with it. It's a minor issue that was always going to bring up some stuff. As long as I have faith in myself, then all is still well in my world. And all support and belief that does come from my nearest and dearest, means the world to me.. literally..