Plan-B concluded

A plan-B is wise I think and whether I use it or not, isn't the issue. Just knowing that it's there if and when I need it, is enough. What did Diann suggest? She said that I could either look into organizations over in Australia, dealing with eating disorders, just so I can have somewhere I can turn to. Like here in Ireland there's Bodywys. They have a website, with forums, contacts and group sessions. If I were to get muddled and felt I needed a few therapy sessions, Diann said that group sessions can really do the trick. But that doesn't appeal to me at all. Just the word "group" makes me panic. The thought of having a set-back and sitting in a room full of skinny girls, who would all be skinnier than me, would make me wanna be like them again. It's so competitive, that I couldn't see it being an option for me. Diann said that group-sessions are only as good as the therapist that runs them. But I wouldn't like to take the risk. Who knows though, I might change my mind in the future. But for now, it doesn't fit. If I look into what organizations they have over there and if I have something to fall back on, then I can use that if I feel the need to. I would probably only do that though when I really can't deal with it myself.

As for ringing home with news that I might not be feeling too good.. We've compromised saying that I'll only ring with that kind of news, if it gets to a certain point. When will that point be? I'll know when it gets too much and when I can't deal with things by myself anymore. It will be so vivid that I won't be able to ignore it. I can't doubt myself that I WON'T know if and when I need extra help. That will be the point when I let Ma know. This gives Ma reassurance that I'm not holding too much information from her and it will give me more space to breathe and to build the confidence I need, when I'm dealing with hard times. And of course, Diann is always only a phone call, an email or a text message away. She'll always be there for me, just like Siobhan and just like Ma. So not only do I have the tools within me to stay on top of things, but I also have them within my reach. A few words in text from Diann, can be enough for me to feel right again.

I must admit, I did feel bad for putting Ma through all this worry. For breaking free, before she was ready to let me go, even though I already am. But I simply shouldn't put myself through dealing with guilt for the issues other people have, even if they are brought on by me. It's like the whole "non-deserving" thing again. I'm not worthy enough for Ma of all people, to worry about me and be concerned for my health and well-being and I'd rather worry about her health than my own. I can't really think like that right now. I have to concentrate on myself, and keep on doing so. Because that way I'll be in-tune with what's going on "upstairs" and be more able to stay on top of things and I'll still feel as free and happy as can be, which in turn will also make Ma's days less troublesome. As I'm effected by my actions, Ma is also effected by the actions I inflict towards myself, be they good or bad.

To have a relapse, how common is that? I asked Diann, and she said there are different "levels" and it is common. She was saying that I could have a lapse, but that doesn't mean I'm having a Relapse. It doesn't mean I'm NOT recovered, it doesn't means I'm ill again, it doesn't mean I'm not a healthy person anymore. A lapse is a part of living life and can be triggered by certain things that happen from day to day.. such as: working with a girl who is skinnier than me, being rejected, dealing with grief, being homesick. So many different things can be triggers that can cause someone to lapse and a person can still be healthy and happy and free. It's only when lapses take hold, and lapse after lapse is ignored and fuelled at the same time by giving it strength by restricting. It's the bad-thoughts that can cause a lapse, but seeing those thoughts for exactly what they are, doesn't give it power and therefore it can't take a hold and it won't effect a persons' state of mind and state of being. It can come and go, and as head-wrecking as it can be, it will never be unbearable. Because unbearable is when it can't be dealt with, and everything can be dealt with even if it is by dipping into my past to see what "being in an unbearable state" really feels like. Really there can be many ways of dealing with a lapse and it's a natural part of living and it's temporary, if I let it be.

Nothing is certain in this life. Who knows, I might not even get to Australia. You never know what could come up. Or I could get there and decide that it was the wrong decision. So many things could happen and I'm open to them all. I'll embrace them with open arms. And a plan-B.. a great idea. Will I use it? Nobody knows. But as long as I, and the people who mean so much to me, know that it's there. With that plan I'll never let anything "eating disorder-related" swamp me like it once did. Everyone can be sure that I'm aware how precious life is and that I'd never jeopardise my life and my health, like I did in the past. Who I am convincing, I haven't a clue. But it doesn't matter anymore, because things are happening as they are supposed to be happening and I'm feeling fine with it.. ;)