Plan-B

Last week Monday, while sitting with Diann we spoke about the thing that had been bothering me the most, throughout the 2 previous weeks. And, surprise surprise, that was the whole Australia thing and the fact that I felt like Ma wasn't supporting me. I got so emotional about it, because it just frustrated me so much. But it all needed to be said. At home we hadn't really spoken about whether Ma was coming to terms with my leaving or not, because we tried it once and it made me feel worse. So I deliberately decided to stay away from that subject for a while, and maybe only speak openly with Ma about, when we're with Diann.

Ma said that she's feeling a little better about it all, since reading up on my blog. She can see how much it means to me to do this and go ahead with my plans. Diann was actually quite shocked that I went and booked my flight even though I knew that Ma wasn't fully supportive of my decision. That probably did take some guts, not listening to the person who knows me the best and the person who means the most to me. I suppose it shows a bit of determination on my part and it's proof of just how much I want this. But the whole letting-go issue on Ma's behalf, is something I'll never fully understand until I one day perhaps become a mother myself. A mothers love can only be experienced once you have kids. Diann said the same. She could never see it either, when she was ill, why or how her mother would feel and act the way she did because she wasn't a mother then herself. It wasn't until she had kids, that everything she once questioned regarding her mothers' concern, was answered. She said that for any mother, nothing is ever too much. The guilt I was feeling because of what I've put Ma through and how hard this has all been on her, isn't something that to be rationalized. Because there's no need for it and mothers do what they have to do when it comes to their children. Or so I've been told.

Ma being so concerned is natural, and for her concern to make me doubt myself, probably is too. But for it to effect my decision, isn't natural, and it hasn't, so that all is good. But it didn't do me any good, and throughout the next few weeks and the build-up to my leaving, it won't help. Why should I suddenly doubt myself? There are moments when I think.. "Oh god, what am I doing, flying to Oz..?". But I can see where that's coming from. The only thing that I feel is justified concern for what could go wrong, is that Anna could creep up on me without me realizing it. That's the thing that worries me the most. It doesn't keep me awake at night though. But when Anna first made her appearance, I didn't see it. I was blinded by every other glorious feeling I felt, whilst traveling, that any bad feelings weren't dealt with and that's when she got her claws into me.

Diann was talking about me having a plan-B if things do start to get too difficult while I'm away. I know I'll need one because whatever happens, down the line, I can honestly say that I will have times when things get hard or when life suddenly starts throwing mayhem at me. It does that from time to time, to the best of us. I also had said before, and to a certain extent I'm still sticking to it, that if I do feel like I'm not doing too well and that Anna could be trying to get in, then I'm not going to be on the phone telling Ma how bad I'm feeling. Ma's first reaction wasn't great. But, take a proper look.. There are 2 scenarios, now which one would you rather? To be on the other side of the world and get a phone call from you daughter saying that she's having a hard time but that she's not coming home, which means that there's nothing you can do, just sit and worry and have sleepless nights thinking about what could be happening but having no control over it whatsoever.. OR would you rather be on the other side of the world, not hearing about a few days or weeks that got a little tricky or challenging when it came to dealing with food or life in general and take her word for it that only when things get too out of control, that she'll let you know? No matter how much love there is between a mother and daughter, I think the last scenario is the best one for both parties.

Ma had to agree with me, after really thinking about what would be best for her too. It's not only my life this effects, it would also effect her. I know I shouldn't be thinking about not wanting to put Ma through hard times, and Diann also has group-therapy sessions for parents once a month that Ma could possibly attend, if I'm dealing with things in Oz and she's feeling the strain of it here in Ireland. So any worries I have on that front, I really have to let go of. But even though it is my health, I will want to keep Ma reassured that things are well and deal with tricky times by myself and gain more strength and reassurance by doing so. That way in future situations I'll still be okay without having to call home at the drop of a hat.