Precious life

One thing this week, that has been very much an issue, is that a friend of Eileens has passed away. A 19 year old girl, who took an overdose at the weekend. Poor Eileen is devastated, as you can imagine. Such a tragedy for a young life like that to be taken. I never knew her myself, but just the thoughts of what it's doing to her family and friends is awful. It's always when things like this happen, that your whole life is put into perspective. I almost felt guilty for feeling so good the past few days, as others were going through such an ordeal. And the thing is, that things like this are happening everywhere, day in day out. It's not until it's closer to home that you stop and think and suddenly realize what life is all about and just how precious it really is. The same feelings came up for me over the past few days as the feelings that came up when I went to Mickey's anniversary.. I have been given a second chance in life. Something that not everybody gets. Before it's too late, it can be over, without having realized what the beauty of simply being alive really is.

It might sound so selfish, for me to able to take something from other people's grief, sorrow and heartache. But, when I was standing by Mickey's grave and too when I was hearing about Eileens friend, I felt so blessed for having recovered from an illness, for no longer suffering and for no longer having to fear that anorexia might end up getting the better of me. Because it won't, I can be so sure of that. Feeling bad about getting back on my feet and for someone's life to have been taken, without them having the intention of wanting to leave this earth, put everything into perspective. For so long, the illness longed and yearned and pushed so it could experience what it was "made" for..to end someone's life. But that never happened. But the past few days, this tiny little voice in the back of my mind has been chanting over and over again.. "that could have been me".

It doesn't freak me out, because I've come to terms with how close I got, but it makes me feel blessed. I believe that everybody's time is already set, I'm so convinced of that fact. And the way it happens, is also already destined. The past few days I've been plagued with visions of me lying in bed 8 months ago, on the days I telling myself that I wasn't allowed to loose any more weight, for fear of what another kilo could do to me. I could see myself lying in bed on the days when I was scared of falling asleep at night for fear of how slow my heart my get. And I remember me telling myself.. "this isn't my time, I cannot let this get any worse". It was like a break through.

I don't know where exactly that voice came from, telling me that I needed to get better. It was ever so soft, but it managed to have more impact on me than the voice of my darkness. I chose to listen to it and I'll be forever grateful for having had those nights. In the midst of depression, I still knew that this wasn't my time and I'm simply blessed by that. I really am. I feel awful writing this and admitting what the loss of a young persons life has brought up for me..but maybe it's a good thing in a way. Because feeling blessed, by life itself, is probably more precious than anything the world can give you. Once someone can experience that, it's something to treasure. There's nothing or nobody that can or will ever take that away. It doesn't make life a scary thing, but it makes it magical and wonderful.

Learning or getting clarity from other peoples sorrow is something that happens everyday. I know for certain that so many youngsters who knew Eileens' friend, right now, can see how quickly it can end and therefore how important it is to make the most out of everyday that we've got. But as times goes on, everybody gets back into their routine and the feeling that the experienced grief brought up, subsides and the mundane life takes a hold once again and the lesson that was learned and the realizations that were made, fade away and the importance of insignificant worries and tasks cloud over that sense of gratitude that was once felt, for just living and breathing each and every day.

To feel guilt, for seeing things so clearly, is another way to see that nothing we do or feel will ever be right, if we live our lives according to what others might think or say about each individual. So to let go of guilt, would be the only way to truly feel, and honour these feelings, that can be brought-up by such a situation. Pain is something that will always be in this world. But to dwell on it or to be scared by it, is only making experiences in life take a different pattern. But to see the miracle instead, is something not to be ashamed of. To have the ability to do this, is something that is much more special. To be aware of this fact and of what is really happening can bring up much better feelings than guilt or shame. Gratitude and love. That's all, such simplicity but so special at the same time..