A brief week

Last week, I wanted to shout out for people to be supportive of my plans.. And they have been so much. However with or without having said or having felt all this amazing support, I don't feel the need anymore to try and convince people of how well I'm doing or how good I'm feeling. Because people know. And convincing others is usually to also convince myself. But I don't need to anymore. I'm strong and I'm still changing a little every week. Little things that didn't feel as effortless 2 weeks ago, now can feel so natural. Opening-up more and more, is becoming my second nature, as it always used to be. I'd be lying if I said that now and then I'm not plagued with guilt, because I am. I can't deny it. But it's fine. It's there but that's all. It doesn't rule me, it's doesn't control my eating or my mood, as it once would have done. The guilt doesn't serve a purpose in my life, so I choose not to engage in it. And the more I do this, the easier it will get. For example..eating chocolate cake. Yes, I did feel bad afterwards and even the next morning. But I left it for what it was..something that will only try to bring me down as well as something I can live with for a short while and will make me more stable in dealing with the hard times.

I'd also be lying if I said that I don't question what I eat. Because I do. I still wonder if I'm restricting myself and sometimes I don't know the answer. Which is confusing. But I'm eating when I'm hungry, I'm eating what I want and I'm eating just like everyone else. I enjoy every meal and I look forward to the next. If it's the wrong thing and makes me feel disgusting, then so be it. That happens to the best of people.. eating the wrong thing and then feeling bloated or whatever afterwards. Analyzing these feelings as they come up, won't help me. Because it makes it all too complicated, it makes me doubt myself and it makes me look for trouble, when really there isn't any. Sometimes I want to stuff my face, but am just so full from either breakfast or lunch, that I'm not able. And sometimes I'm raging because I can't fit anything else in!! Other than that, there's nothing I need to say on the subject of food..

Not seeing Diann yesterday was so great. I felt such relief, which I didn't expect. Sunday was so nice, because it wasn't on my mind. It was like I didn't have to do any work on Monday, like I had the "day off" and I didn't have to worry about anything. I never thought I'd feel like that. Such freedom is all I felt to do and feel and be as I want. Not that I couldn't any other week. But therapy sessions are hard. It's not always fun or easy putting myself under so much pressure every week, to try and come up with a conclusion or to dig as much as I possibly can, to take something away from an hour with Diann. But I did. Every week, over and over again. I never stopped. I would keep notes, everyday, as to what I wanted to ask or what I thought might be helpful to talk about or what conclusions I had made myself, each week and would memorize them every Sunday. That way, I wouldn't walk out of a session and still have things on my mind. Everything "in here" needed to be "out there".

I remember on somedays, when I'd have finished as session, before going back in the car, I'd pop to the loo just to privately write down some phrases or notes, in the space of 2 minutes, just so I wouldn't forget what Diann had said or what I could learn and analyze later on. Ma never suspected a thing. Nobody ever knew just how much I would push myself every week, constantly to make a bit of progress no matter how hard or easy things were. But I've passed that stage now. So I'm happy I'm not needing a session every week. And saying that, does make me feel kind of bad, towards Diann. Almost like I don't appreciate what she's done for me. But I do, again, more than anyone will ever know. However, like this blog, I also need to break away from her. Standing on my own two feet again and living and independent life. My wings were once broken, but have been mended and need to be put to the test to see if they are strong enough to fly without support.

With this in mind, I can still feel odd, admitting that I'm feeling great without having a weekly session. It's Dianns profession and her work, to help people when they are in need. And it's also apart of her work, to encourage the healing soul to stand alone and live life as a strong individual. So she is delighted for me that I'm feeling this way. To her it means that she's done her job, to the best of her ability, that she has relieved the world of another muddled-up person. Her work is to guide, to inspire, to teach, to touch, to heal and to shine a light on someones life. And that's exactly what she's done. So I shouldn't feel bad, for having come so far and therefore not feeling the need to lean on her, the way I used to. I guess I won't be able to rest easily until I've shared this with her. Even though she knows what she has done for me and she knows what a special person she is, she hasn't heard those words from my mouth yet. (and she'd probably be shocked if she were to read my blog and see that she had one of the leading roles..!) Next week Monday I'll have a session again. But there's no bubbling, no pressure, no stress, just free free free..