Preparing for Leeds

Build-up for Leeds

It's Monday morning, after a very long week. Usually I'd be on my way to Wexford around about now. But not anymore. Today I'm not yearning to see Diann, but I'm kind of on the verge of exploding, because I haven't had the chance to write for nearly a week. It's all building up inside, to the point where I've been having nightmares for the past 2 nights. I'd better start from the beginning.

Tuesday was Paddy's day. I didn't do much, just went to look at the parade down the street. I was going to Leeds early the next morning. I had planned this trip a few weeks ago. I was going to visit Lisa, a friend I was traveling with in Oz. She's studying there at the moment, she's originally from Sweden but has been brought up in Germany. Once I was feeling stronger I made it my priority to go over and see her. Especially once I had decided to go to Oz. Because I hadn't a clue when I'd get to see her again. So I was excited on Tuesday and didn't want to overdo it. I went to the parade, walked down town and was back home again by dinnertime. I was shattered though for some reason. I wanted to do so much that day, I needed to write till my heart was content, but I didn't get the chance. I needed to pack too and mentally prepare my for the next day. But I did none of it, because there's was too little time. I reckon overdid it. I simply lost focus of everything and let the stress get to me. I wasn't happy that I didn't get to write about my session on last Monday. Different stuff had come up for me, and straight away I was having to gear myself up for going to Leeds. It was both a emotional and physical struggle I think on Tuesday. Having a tired body and having had a good but eye-opening session the day before that I needed to settle before being able to feel settled going to Leeds. All a little bit much maybe.

So before going to bed on Tuesday night I needed to shut myself off. I felt it all getting too much and life was "going above my head". I needed a time-out. I had that awful feeling in my chest again and all I wanted to do was cry. So I did and I felt awful for doing so. After having such great days and being so full of life, why was the trip on Wednesday scaring me? Why did I suddenly doubt that I'd be able to go and see Lisa? Why was I scared to go to sleep, just in case I'd wake-up and be a mess? Why was this happening? I felt like I had failed. I felt like I'd taken steps back, before forcing myself to take a few steps forward. I had let myself down. But at that moment all I wanted to do, was settle the feeling I had and get myself right again. Diann has told me that having few "bad" minutes or hours doesn't mean that I'm not recovered. It doesn't mean I have to feel like I'm not strong enough to deal with normal everyday life. Because everybody can have a few hours when they're not feeling too happy or on top of the world. And for me, at the this stage, I'm just like everyone else. Feeling off-balance is something that can happen to anyone at the best of times. I just have to be aware that I don't deal with it in the same way I would usually deal with it, which would have been by restricting myself.

So I sat in bed, trying to deal with this awful feeling in my chest. I had to just be in whatever way I pleased for that moment and not beat myself up over it. Because that would have made it worse. I went to sleep, trying to be focused on the here and now, so without stress of what was going to come tomorrow and without worrying about what I might be putting myself through by going to Leeds. The trip to Leeds was going to happen, only if I wanted it to. If I were to wake-up the next morning feeling awful, I would have simply not gone. I went to sleep and felt much more at ease. The next morning I was awake at 5. So I got up and felt great. There wasn't a bother in the world. I was rested, I was focused, I was revitalised and I was so happy just at the thoughts of seeing Lisa in a few hours!!! I had intentionally left my feelings from the night before, for what they were. I had dealt with them and I wasn't going to continue feeling bad for having felt bad for an hour or so. As I've said before, I'm only human, and everyone can loose their focus from time to time.

The journey went well. I had so much fun, all by myself, traveling again, being on my own little mission. What a feeling! Between getting myself through Dublin Airport on the "morning after the night before" (Paddy's day) - which could have been one of the busiest mornings of the whole year when getting on a plane leaving Ireland heading for whatever destination - and sitting in between and crowd of rowdy Brits with their sticking-booze-breaths..and then getting on the wrong bus once I got to Leeds which led me to see some beautiful English countryside and got me chatting to some old ladies, while I was trying to figure out where I was actually going. Hummm.. It was all a lot of fun I must say, but I finally got myself to the bus station in the city centre and Lisa was waiting for me. Oh my god, we were both absolutely ecstatic!! We were both on such a high and I didn't have to think twice whether this was the right or the wrong thing to have put myself through, because I knew it would be brilliant!!