Telling the world.. 1

Monday morning, my hour with Diann, after having had 2 very big weeks without having seen her to discuss everything. All I could do was tell her how great I'm feeling and how amazed I am by how well the weekend in Tipperary went. She was delighted for me and also said that she was pleased that I cancelled last week. She reckons it's always a good sign when a client cancels because of a social event.

That instantly made me feel better. Because even at the session, 2 weeks ago, I wasn't feeling great about going to see her because I wasn't really feeling the need to. I felt like I was letting her, myself and Ma down, by not getting as much as I would want to, out of a session. But that just shows that I'm not needing to get as much from a session as I once was. I can handle things myself and I own the tools that I need whenever certain hours or certain days are difficult. I was planning on telling her that this week, but her saying that she was glad I cancelled and did so well without needing a session to deal with everything, told me that we were on the same wave-length.

We started off, and it was the first thing we were talking about. She suggested that because I've been doing so well, we could start spacing out the sessions. So only one session every couple of weeks. Those were exactly my thoughts too. Which was great. It feels like the right time, to start cutting down. Because if it wasn't, I would feel guilty for getting stronger and better. But I don't and I know I'm doing well, and I'm not afraid to admit it, I don't care who knows and I don't care what others say. It doesn't freak me out for someone to say I'm better or to say I'm not. It doesn't make me want to be sick again. It doesn't effect my eating, my body image or my mood. I know where I'm at and that's all that matters.

A massive leap has been made the past 2 weeks. I've made a decision and have been wary about putting it "out there". But I think now's the time. Seeing as though things are going so well, I don't really see the point in keeping it from everyone. I'll start from the beginning. Going back to the middle of January. There were 2 big days when I got massively depressed and couldn't stop crying and my world was crashing down around me. It was triggered by Eileen talking about travels and going here and going there.. I was so upset and couldn't speak for days. I shut out the world and didn't know what was happening to me. The only thing that saved me after 2 days of unbearable heartache, was me looking at myself in the mirror and truly asking myself "why did her words hurt me so much?" And I answered my question instantly.. I needed to go back to Australia. I have to be there for some reason. As soon as I answered that question, I got a text message from a dear dear friend of mine, who I worked with in Australia. I chose to see this as a sign and the weight of the world instantly lifted and life was a lot rosier..

So that was on a Saturday morning, in the middle in January. On the Monday morning afterwards, I sat with Diann and told her about it all and cried and cried.. And eventually said through my tears: "I have to go back to Australia..".. She said that it's a good thing, and that I don't need to cry! I just couldn't believe what was happening. But I knew that I was following my heart, so it had to be my next step. And ever since then, everything has been falling in to place.

Diann was so great, her reaction was the best. I could tell that she wanted to help me reach my goal by instantly asking.. "right..what date have you go in mind?" (it wasn't her way of pushing me, but me being me, she knew that I would have some sort of plan in mind).. I told her I wanted to go around April and asked her honestly if it was do-able and if she could see me being strong enough to get there around that time.. She said that I could. Just the thoughts of working towards something, was what I needed back then. If I turn it around and look at it from the other angle then I can remember what the thoughts of not having a notion as to where I'd be going and when I'd be going; they were making my world a very dark and dull place to be and I remember knowing for sure that I simply wouldn't be able to cope with it. So Diann reassured me, that making this decision and following my heart, would give me the extra boost and energy I need to get me there and so far, she's been right.

more to come...