Small little things...

It's Thursday afternoon, and tomorrow we're heading to Holland. I'll be staying for a bit longer than a week, seeing as though it will be my last chance to spend some time with the kiddies, Emma and Orla and friends. I'm looking forward to it, much more so than the last time I went. Now I don't have any worries if things will or won't go well. I don't have to take each day as it comes, I can plan ahead and be certain that I'll feel great and be able to follow those plans through. It's such a relief to know that I can rely on myself to be me.. so there's not a bother in the world really.

I had acupuncture on Tuesday. It was the first time in 3 weeks. And I must say, by the middle of last week I was starting to miss it. At the weekend I was feeling a tightness all over so I figure it could have been because I had deliberately missed a few weeks of treatment. To get rid of the tightness, I did some yoga and I loosened up and it worked wonders. When I went to see him on Tuesday I wasn't yearning for the treatment but it was still very very welcome. We chatted for a while before getting the needles stuck in to me. I filled him in on my weeks and how great everything was going.

The only thing, was my appetite that has been a lot less the past weeks. I haven't let it stop me eat 3 meals a day though, even though half the time I sit down to a meal and don't feel hungry. I eat it anyhow and am not letting it influence my thoughts around food. I wasn't sure if I was overthinking things, by wondering if something was wrong because of not feeling that hungry (like I've said to Diann before, sometimes I could be looking for trouble where there isn't any..) But Mr. Acupuncturist reminded me that up until 3 or 4 weeks ago I was taking different herbal tablets, which were making my appetite bigger. And once I stopped taking them, that's also when my hunger went out the window. So my question was answered. He said to start taking those tablets again, just so my food intake will be slightly bigger throughout the course of the next 3 or 4 weeks.

Instantly I thought..no!! I don't want a bigger appetite. It scared me because I'd be eating more than I'm eating now. I didn't want to feel hungry and I could see myself getting huge. And did he really think that what he just told me, was something I wanted to hear? Was I supposed to be happy about that? I couldn't say any of this of course, I just sat and smiled and said that would be great. But I got so mad with myself and I really didn't want these annoying thoughts to pop into my head just for hearing the words: increased appetite. That's old stuff coming up and my reaction was just an old familiar one too. It took me all of 3 or 4 minutes to realize this. But I can no longer have that fear of getting fat, because I won't. And anyhow.. Aren't I supposed to be that person that really doesn't care anymore about weight? Aren't I that person who actually needs some extra meat on her bones? Aren't I that person who has made peace with feeling hungry and eating whenever I want and need? Aren't I that person who enjoys food so so much? Yes, yes, yes and yes, is the answer to all those questions.

So what did I do, or what do I do? Well, nothing really. I'm still fine and still feeling happy. A moment of such thoughts doesn't mean a thing, not until they are acted out and not until they effect my eating or my behaviour. Many people have thoughts, but that doesn't mean they act on them. They don't have to be all-consuming. I've been over this stuff so many times before and there's really nothing much I can do or say about it. I suppose I can just use it as proof that my way of thinking is still tempted to slip back into the old ways of processing information. At the end of the day it's up to me what I do with them. And I'll do nothing. I'll just let them be. I guess in a way I thought that things like that wouldn't come up so out of the blue, but they will, and Tuesday was proof of that.

Tuesday wasn't the only time I realized that. I've noticed it in other small little things aswell, since I've been interacting more and been back on my feet.. Things that I'd avoided for many months, just in case they would trigger anything. An example: looking at certain diets in magazines. Can I look at what a certain diet entails and still ignore the urge to start following that diet? Yes, I can. But I'm still soooooo drawn to them and that could be something that will always stay with me. Another example: reading what contents is in the things I eat (if I don't know it already). I can't seem to stop doing that. But if it doesn't effect me, then isn't that okay?? And when it comes to calories, only on the odd day I'd make an estimate as to how many calories I've eaten throughout the day. These are all little things though. Maybe they will always be there, maybe I'll only go through fases or maybe I'll slowly let go of them.. Who knows. As long as I know that they haven't got any control over me.

So back to Tuesday, I realized the thoughts and let them go. I had to tell myself that it would be nicer to sit down to a meal and be hungry, rather than sit down to a meal not feeling any hunger and feeling like I'm stuffing my face. A bigger appetite could mean more room for veggies or fish or something else that's real yummy. Whatever. Anyhow it doesn't really matter. Because either way, I've started taking the herbs again that will boost my appetite. We also spoke about how I should go about taking the herbs, when I get to Australia and also about maybe getting some treatment done when I'm over there, on the odd occasion if I ever feel like it. He's told me to take the herbs up until I leave, so another 4 weeks (!!!!). Then I have to stop for 2 months, then start for 3 weeks, then stop for 2 months and start again for 3 weeks. That way I'll be winding down, but not stopping the herbs in one go. He also said that if I do ever feel like I want to get some acupuncture done, there's nothing stopping me. (of course I knew this and didn't need him to tell me, but still). The opportunity is always there, if I ever feel the need.

After the treatment, which was so nice by the way.. He said that he's delighted that going for 3 weeks without treatment went so well, and he's not worried at all about me only having one more appointment before I leave. It will be on the 16th of april, a week before I the BIG DAY. It will be so strange, going to see him only one more time. But good as well of course. It's like with so many things that have kept me going while I was ill, whenever I go back to that environment or whatever it was (be it a book, a dvd, a song or a certain person), it makes me feel like I'm going backwards instead of forwards. It's almost like for a very short while I've stepped back in time, when there's no need for me to be there. Or maybe just the need so I can realize that I'm strong enough to be without that certain thing.. I've even felt like that with Diann aswell, before we started cutting back on the sessions. It's nothing personal towards any of these people. But it's just the change in me and the environment that has stayed the same, that's makes it so different. For now, all I want and need is to look forward and relish in the feeling I get whenever I feel alienated for being somewhere I don't feel I should be anymore, in terms of my recovery. It's like going to bed in the afternoon too.. That just feels so wrong and so strange and so unnecessary. I did it only for an hour on Tuesday, after acupuncture, because I was so tired, but I didn't like it one bit. I had gone back in time for a very short time.. and it didn't appeal to me at all. And that's all good!!

Time will start going real fast from now on.. I've only got 4 more weeks to go. I'm not counting down the days, I'm not wishing my time away either. It will come soon enough, with or without me longing to be in Oz. It's going to happen, so I don't need to panic about not being there and I don't need to be envious of others who are already there. Because my time is just around the corner! I'm not stressed about it at all either and everyone keeps on asking me, if I'm all set to go.. But I'm like..hummm I don't really think there's much I should be doing. But of course there is, so I made a list during the week, and that's all I've done. Other than that.. nothing strange whatsoever. I've been having better sleeps, because my head is being emptied. I've been calm. And I'm looking forward to tomorrow. My last trip to Holland.. hummm.. it will could be a different experience..