One last session - 2

Never in a million years would I have thought that seeing Diann one last time, would make me feel even stronger than I already was feeling. To sit there, and to almost "evaluate" my recovery and for it not to effect me, was liberating. The way it effected me, was in a good way. A way that opened my eyes a little more, a way that made me see just how strong I am, a way that reassured me that my next step will be like walking on air, after what the past year has thrown at me. I was overwhelmed to not be in recovery anymore. At one stage the 3 of us, choked -up. For Ma and Diann, it must have been joy. For me it was for closing this chapter of my life, and getting on with different things. Talking about it again like we did yesterday, makes it hit home once again that I did once have anorexia. I was that bag of bones that walked in to Diann back in July and I was that lost soul that cried more than a million tears, week after week.

I always wanted her to take away my fears, doubts and my tears. I wanted her to answer my questions and never to question my own answers. Every Monday I needed for her to solve just about every little detail that I would be faced with, throughout the 6 days of not having contact with her. She did all of this and so much more. I couldn't possibly sum up what she has done for me, the list is endless, as is my gratitude, my respect and my admiration for her.

I'll never forget the first time I walked in to see her. I was so "everywhere but in Wexford" and I didn't even introduce myself properly. I didn't shake her hand, I didn't say what my name was. I came in, sat down on the chair in front of her and let everything happen around me. I don't remember a lot, but I'll never forget the fact that I didn't shake this amazing womans' hand. I know I wasn't well, but you would think that, unless being unconscious, nobody would ever be too ill to simply have some manners. Another thing that stuck in my mind, was how great she looked. I didn't believe back then that she had been anorexic once upon a time. I always thought that once someone has such an illness, it will always be visible. But I couldn't see that when I looked at her. I wondered how she was able to deal with somebody with an eating disorder.. I was amazed that there were actually such people who specialized in knowing an anorexic when they would see one. But she did. The second week we went to see her, I remember her saying that I was exactly where I needed to be, in regards to getting treatment and that if I wasn't ill, then she would have told me. So she could see.. But I couldn't. Would I ever be able to look at others, or myself and know if that certain person had anorexia? I never thought I would be capable of achieving such a state of mind. But, as I sit here, I've achieved it. I see now, what she saw back then. And as overwhelming and confronting as it may be, it's a miracle in the sense that strength never really leaves us, when it comes to surviving.

I was curious as to how she saw me, when I walked in, all those months ago.. I don't want to be compared to others, but I simply wanted to know what her thoughts were. Yesterday this led to a whole "evaluation" of my reocvery. She said that she was more worried about my physical state, than she usually would be. She never has a lot of girls who she would worry about, when it comes to the physical state of being; because she isn't a doctor afterall, but a therapist. When it came to me, this however did become more worrying for her, mainly due to my heart being weak. But as soon as I started the supplements, I started to get stronger and I started to know what to do in order to get better and how to get as much out of this journey as possible. I wanted to recover with "efficiency" (if that's possible). It had to be done the right way. I didn't want to fail and so I got on with it. In that sense she said I was different from her other clients. I wasn't a bullsh*tter. I wasn't shying away from anything and I wanted to get it over and done with. For that to have gotten me where I am right now, was also because we never focussed on my weight. We focussed on my emotions, my head, my being. Numbers weren't made into something that controlled my food-intake, or lack of. That helped so much. All these ingredients were all the right ones, which made this one hell of a journey. But it was exactly what I needed.

Next to Ma, Diann turned out to be my all. An outsider, who was able to look in and see my life as it used to be and as it was being experienced in that very moment, just by the mumbo-jumbo that was flowing from my mouth. And I can tell you now, with 100% certainty, it was an enormous amount that I would throw at her. It never stopped, and an hour a week was always too short. But she never told me it was too much. She listened and listened and listened some more. She saw my illness through both Ma's and my own eyes and that's what made her seem to know everything. My world was so small, she was it, as was Anna and therefore she did actually know everything. Because back then, my everything was these 2 people. Anna and Diann. They were both so willing to guide me. But looking at the greater scheme of things, choosing between someone who is loving, caring, wise, strong and open-minded, and someone who is the complete opposite, the battle is over before it even begins.