One last session - 3

Back in May, when I was still in Holland, I went to a tarrot card reader. She told me things about my life, that were so true, things that she simply couldn't have known. I therefore knew she was an accurate card-reader. She told me that there would be somebody that was going to come onto my path, and become very special to me. This someone was going to guide me and we would create a bond. This person would be my world for the at least 6 months of my life, but it would nevertheless be a lasting bond. This tarrot-card reader, never said if it this special person was male or female. I was so excited to know who this new person was going to be. Now I can see though that this special someone was Diann. She was the person I was told about. It gives me goosebumps and makes me shiver, to know that me and Diann were destined to meet. Through the circumstances and conditions we met, was even more unique.

Emotions were running high for me yesterday, every time thoughts arose or words were spoken, of this journey being over or of how excited I am about life or of how special everything and everybody is to me or of how grateful I am to her and Ma. They were all emotions that were and still are happy ones. Nothing of the grieving kind. Because grieving is for loss or pain or anger or regret or resentment. And I experience none of these emotions, with regards to anorexia. So I didn't need to suppress anything and I didn't need to feel bad for lack of them.

There was something that I needed to say, before leaving. It was something that I've thought 100 times before and something that I've wrote about 10 times before..but said only once, and that was yesterday, finally to her face. She had to know that the work she does, is brilliant and will forever amaze me and she should be aware that I'll be forever grateful to her for what she has done. Such a special person, who I admire and am inspired by. Telling her this, simply wasn't enough. I knew it wouldn't be. So I wrote something in a card for her. Ma and I also she got her a bunch of flowers and then she also gave me a present. A chain with a guardian angel on it and a card with some amazing words.

The hour flew by, as it always does. Before it was time to leave, she told me that I was a joy to work with. She always looked forward to every session with me and enjoyed and learned from them. She thanked me for letting her be a part of my Anna period and she feels honoured to have been on my journey. That of course, got all 3 of us choked-up. To hear from someone I value and admire so much, such meaningful words, was something I'll never ever forget. It's like something a friend of mine once said.. "I'm honoured for someone I value so much, to think of me in such a special way".

Right now, I don't want to stop writing about her. I'm temporarily stuck here and don't want to turn away. This is it. I really feel like I'm leaving something behind right now. But I can't look at it in that manner. Because as I said before, she's so much more than a therapist now; so I'm taking her with me in my heart. She's there, along with all the other people who are so special to me. It's not weighing heavy on my heart, but it's making it lighter. Because I'm a better person for having been treated by her. I'm not losing anything or leaving behind something. I'm taking more away than I could ever have anticipated. Her spirit, her love, her wisdom, her joy. I have learned from it, shared in it and choose to inspire with it..

This was my letter to her..

Dearest Diann,

As one journey ends..another begins.
The joy, love, excitement, compassion, energy and most of all the life I feel inside of me, each and every day, is in so many ways down to you. For something so amazing to have come out of my journey, through which you were my guide, proves to me just how beautiful life is. You opened my eyes, as they were closed. You made me see the wonders again. You saw in me, what I couldn't see, but choosing to follow your gaze and for that gaze to reveal what was inside of me, as it's inside each and every living soul, gave me my life back. Simply because of your kind heart, your free spirit and your loving nature, you made it possible for me to look at the world through the eyes that witness the miracle of life, the joys of feeling energy, the excitement of this moment, the beauty in everything and also the shiny diamond that you told me I'd temporarily lost, but would soon find again. Today I can say with certainty that I've found it, it's polished, it's safe, it's protected, it's me. For showing me this, I'm forever grateful. So much so, that I'd shower you with gifts...for giving me life again. But there simply is no price or gift that will ever be enough of come close to being worthy of my life. Words are all I have (as Ronan from Boyzone would always say), this card is all I give, and in my heart you'll always remain.

With love always,
Niamh