A wink of sleep

Sometimes when I sit and let things get calm, I can be overcome with this sense that there's more going on, when really there's less activity around me than there actually was, before I started to get calm. No activity, but still being occupied by something other than busy surroundings. Because it's not the surroundings that are causing that sense of busy-ness. But it's inside and it's so powerful.

This is what happened to me last night, and it carried on through the night, as I slept. It's so strange, hard to put into words, but very powerful and very present. There's no way to escape it. Because I own it. It's all mine. It's not like I can run, or hide. It's not like I can shut the door, or close my eyes. Nothing. I could try to go to another place inside of myself, where that extra sense might not be. I could do this, by preoccupying my mind with other things that take that calmness away. But what if I like to be calm, and therefore urge that sense to be recognized? What happens then? If I try to go to that other place inside, and ignore something that is obviously trying to get through, then it will arise through a different manner and on a different occasion. And when is that exactly? It's when I sleep. This process came to light, last night.

I went to bed, after trying to ignore what it was that was trying to get through. But I was feeling calm and relaxed. I was geared-up for my last session with Diann, which took place this morning and I'm nearly packed to leave on Thursday. With so many things going, I'm not feeling stressed but nice and tranquil with it all. It's a good thing. But obviously finishing these things that have been my life for the past 10 months, will cause emotions to run high, whether I'm aware of them or not. So I went to sleep and started experiencing so many different things. They were nightmares combined with a feeling of being awake and still dreaming. There was anxiety, there was power. There was claustrophobia, there was loss. I woke myself up by screaming outloud for Ma, after feeling I was being strangled. I needed Ma's help just one more time. I wanted her close to me and to reach out to her and to be reassured by her, just one last time. I wasn't in a deep sleep as this nightmare was occurring, because I was aware I was leaving for Australia.

When I woke up, after screaming, my heart was racing and I lay awake for a good while. I was able to give meaning to all the different emotions that I had felt throughout the dream. Everything made sense. Ideally I should have written down exactly what my interpretations were at the moment, but I never did. I could make sense of reality, however I felt like I never wanted to sleep again. Because sleep meant all this calmness within me would bring on so much more. More than I was willing to feel, more than I was able to process. I felt that sleep was never going to be something I'd be able to do, without being scared of the presence I'd be forced to feel, of the things I'd come to realize, of the distress I'd need to face up to. I didn't want to have to go through that again. I knew there was so much going on, but in my waking hours I felt so fine with closing these old chapters and opening new ones. But then my dreams or nightmares, proved otherwise. So how would I know for sure that I'm not an emotional wreck, when different states of alertness, awareness or consciousness are telling me different things?

I always choose to believe that what happens when we're a sleep, is related to what happens when we're awake. It's the mind processing it and there's so much we can learn of ourselves and the effects our lives are truly having on us. It's a brilliant thing. As so many answers are revealed; the things that the mind chooses not to see, or simply cannot see, during the hours of being awake. I just never expected the 2 different states, to be so contradicting. They seem to be complete opposites of each other. Am I ignoring something, throughout the day, so it's therefore coming to me in my sleep? Maybe it's that sense of some sort of power that I'm storing away and ignoring. I then ask myself: why would I ignore it? Well, that's because I don't know where it comes from, or why it comes to me, or what to do with it. I don't know what it means and the unknown is always something that a person can more easily shy away from than face up to.

Would I sleep easily if I let whatever it is, just be? When I was feeling I could never ever sleep easy again, it was something that was within me. Something that I'd have to carry, if I chose to keep thinking and feeling like that. But I would just make sleeping such a problem, by telling myself this. The consequences of feeling and deciding that this was how it was meant to be, would be huge. But could I tell myself I'm safe and that no matter what goes on, either inside or outside of me? Won't that make everything okay? That way no matter what comes to me in my sleep, it won't be bad, but good. It will make me wiser, it will make see, it will make me deal with what needs to be dealt with. I'm not too sure.

The thing I do know for sure, is that going to bed at night and resting the head, is the only time when nobody can escape from the truth. It's there, and nothing is suppressed, forgotten or compensated. Whatever questions, doubts, fears or desires we have, whatever our destiny turns out to be, the hours of the night will bring them to light. They have potential and they are given attention. But it's just down to the dreamer, or the "baddreamer" (whenever it's regarding nightmares), to realize their meaning and to do what is intended. The information, the emotion, the desire. It's all there but just needs a little more attention than has already been given to it, whilst dreaming. So simple but so complex. So challenging but so obvious. The meaning behind that dream needs to be made a reality..and once that happens, each and every night going to sleep can be seen as a little adventure, a little story or a movie of our lives. Never boring or meaningless. But significant and glorious. The wonders of the human mind become even more evident, as we gain energy by resting and also clarity by observing both ourselves and our lives. All because of the minds eye that never sleeps..