Mr. Acupuncturist - one last time

Thursday was my last acupuncture treatment and just like Monday and Tuesday, it was another day for closure. It was so nice to know that it would be my last time. Not because I disliked going, because I always enjoyed it and it did me so much good. But more because of what it represents, which I suppose is only normal.

The clinic has a particular feel to it. Whenever I'd step inside the door, a certain smell of herbs would hit me, and there would be chilled-out mediation music on in the background. There was always an instant calming vibe, once I stepped inside and it reminds me too much of all the hours of sitting in his waiting room, or lieing on his treatment table, after having to gear myself up for the appointment, as I was so weak, vulnerable and down. I started noticing that going in to his clinic was bringing back all the old stuff from months ago. That's when I knew I'd be happy not to have to go anymore. I knew then, that it was time for acupuncture in Arklow, to be a thing of the past. And before I knew what was happening, my last treatment was done and dusted.

During the treatment last week, I was thinking back to the first time I saw him and got my first treatment. How traumatising that was! I remember him pushing me to say things that I hadn't clue I needed to say. I remember wanting to give the right answers but simply not knowing what he wanted for me to say. I remember coming so close to running out of his office. I remember him asking me what I wanted from life.. As I sat there, every 31 kilo's of me, every desperate ounce of me that was crying out for help.. I answered: "I want to travel". But those words didn't have any meaning to me then. Not like they do to me today. I just spoke those words without realizing how ill I was, how much energy a person needs to travel or how messed-up my life was at that stage. It never occurred to me to say "I want to be healthy again". Because I didn't feel ill. I remember sitting there and thinking about travel, and not caring about anything else. But it seemed so far off. I remember being nearly certain that I would never feel fine with putting on weight, in order to get my health back and to eventually travel again. The whole process seemed like something I wasn't capable of doing.

I felt so trapped, as I knew I was in Arklow until I was back on my feet, even though I felt I was fine on my feet..little did I know just how unwell and unhappy I was. With feeling trapped, I felt I was missing out on the whole world. It was happening without me. It was still turning, but I was no longer a part of it. Every beat I was missing, every vibe wasn't mine to experience. But that feeling of being trapped, in either Arklow or my own body, was the thing that stopped me from running out of his office. It would have been so much easier to run, instead of having to face up to something, to anything, that was supposedly me.. It wasn't me, it didn't feel like me back then, and to this day it still doesn't feel like me. I sat there as I was thinking of travel and in tears because I didn't see my life as my own and I didn't know how I had gotten myself into that mess which I didn't think I'd ever be able to get myself out of it. Those travel thoughts, made me want to do everything in my power to stay and have the treatment and the road ahead. If acupuncture was going to help me, even the smallest way, then I had to do it. And I did.

Throughout the months, Mr. Acupuncturist has proven to be "pushy" by nature. It was the thing about him, that often upset me, or threw me off course. Many times he gave me advice, or told me to do certain things..when I knew it was too much for me. I knew not to listen, I knew that I was more aware of how my body was doing than he was. Because if he would have been aware, he wouldn't have tried to push me. I remember that to have been extremely hard. But, it simply is the way he operates.

I have spoken about him so often, not always in the nicest manner. I'm well aware of that. I'm not sorry I bad-mouthed him. Because that's how I was feeling back then and if I took some of my anger out on him, then so be it. It's just what he triggered within me. But I always knew that I never disliked him. He is good hearted person, he saw me as an individual and he had my best interests at heart. Towards the end, as I got stronger and stronger, it all became more lighthearted and fun to chat to him. He knows so much and has done a lot in his relatively short life. He has been apart of my journey and I'm grateful for the work he has done on me. Another thing that has to be said about him, is that I respect him for not being afraid to treat me, when I was so ill. For somebody who doesn't regularly treat people with eating disorders, and to be confronted with my condition, and to be brave and not judge me..was unique. And that's probably why we did click on some level. I don't know if I'd be where I am now, if I'd have walked out of his office back in July. But I didn't, so I don't need to wonder what if, and how.. Because I didn't let that happen. And I'm so grateful for what he has done for me.

Thursday we chatted a bit, and he was so excited for my trip and was delighted to see me doing so well. Like many others, he has given me his email address, for if I ever need anything. I know this wasn't my last ever treatment, but it was for the time being. He gave me a big hug and we wished each other well.. I left there feeling great. 9 long months of treatment, week in week out. All done and dusted. Such a blessing to have walked into his clinic, but also such a joy walk away with myself, my health and my life.