Competitiveness is the name of the game

Watching certain things on the television, certain documentaries, certain movies. You see it everywhere, but don't really realize that they are talking about you..

I was watching something on telly last night, about 2 girls doing an experiment on trying get super skinny within 5 weeks, like size double zero (American sizes). They were starting to show certain signs of eating disorders in their early stages.. They were obsessing about exercise, dreaming about food 24 hours a day, feeling dizzy, weak, cold, binging, anxious, moody, headaches.. lots of other different stuff as well. After the experiment was finished, they were allowed to eat normally again.. And they could without any problems they went back to eating 3 normal meals a day, because they recognized the signs early enough, to take charge and to get back to normal. They knew that if they were to keep up the lifestyle they were living, that they would develop an eating disorder.. How lucky are they. They just went back to living and eating. They were evaluating the experiment afterwards and one girl said: "My life would not be worth living, if the signs had gotten worse and if I really had gone down that road of developing an eating disorder".

But it wasn't so much a wake-up call, which it should have been. It was more like a drive to keep me going.. I went straight to bed after watching the documentary, and all I could think about, was how long can I keep this up for? It's like being in a competition.. How much more weight can I loose than her, or how little can I eat if I compare my daily food consumption to hers? It probably sent me in the wrong direction.. I can punish myself just a little bit more.. just a tiny bit.. So then, I will be a proper anorexic.. and then I will be happy.. just one little more push.. Can I go that far? Then, I will know that I have the willpower to push my body to the limits I will just let it all go? Is that possible? I don't think so..

So really, it wasn't that great watching such documentaries.. I have another one on a tape, don't know if it's wise to look at it.. Why aren't they opening my eyes?? They should make me see, how my life is ruined! That I'm not living, and that I've never ever been this miserable..

My mam was in contact with other parents of anorexic girls, and she was starting to tell me about them.. but, oh no, straight away, I said.. please no.. Don't tell me.. Because they were all sicker than me, and that made me feel like shit, because if they could make themselves sicker than I am.. can't I make myself sicker as well? Why can't I make myself sicker? Why do those other girls have to be stronger than me? Do they have more willpower? Isn't that unfair? I told mam straight away, don't tell me anymore, because then I feel like there's not a problem and that I'm fine, there's nothing wrong and I'm healthy. And this undoes all the progress I have made, in trying to realize that I have an illness and that I'm not okay.. So mam isn't going to tell me how the other girls are doing.. I don't want to hear about it.

Why is it that it is all so competitive? I never really realized that. Diann did say it, but it wasn't until I actually heard that there are other girls out there, so much more sicker than me, that I started to feel uneasy.. asking myself "why can't I get that bad?".. It's so strange.. punishment is all it's about.. nothing more nothing less..

I also have a book about a girl who overcame anorexia, but now I'm afraid to read it.. Maybe it's too soon? Maybe it would give me the wake-up call I need right now? Maybe it will send me in the wrong direction? I don't know.. Do I just not want to deal with it? Do I not want to see it? Do I want to walk around with my eyes shut? Do I want to keep Anna close? At this moment in time, I really don't have a clue..