It's the little remarks that hurt the most

Certain remarks that people around me make, totally piss me off..

As soon as somebody else, other than my mam, sister or brother, are in the house and I'm eating, I don't want to finish it anymore, because I'm being watched and I know what they are thinking. It puts me off and Anna is strong at that moment and it makes me feel good to throw 2 mouthfuls in the bin. It means I don't have to digest it.. and then I get a remark.."why are you throwing that out? It's ONLY 2 mouthfuls.." O my god.. But it's NOT just 2 mouthfuls, it so much more.. Do you think, that if I thought about 2 mouthfuls like that, that I would be in the position I am now? I don't think so..
Or a remark like: "yeah, you could have that for lunch?".. excuse me.. Lunch? When was the last you seen me eating lunch? don't you know my daily intake of food and don't you know that I don't eat lunch! If I ate lunch, I probably wouldn't be the weight I am at the moment.. oh god.. sometimes I just cannot take it.. and I try to think.. okay, It's so hard for everyone trying to understand.. But, come on.. LUNCH!! 2 MOUTHFULS!

When these remarks have been said, it makes me feel like a freak, because of course, 2 mouthfuls is nothing and everyone eats lunch..
But it's what has become normal to me, living life not according to the "normal" measures. Not thinking according to "normal" standards.. But then.. what is "normal"?
That's a total different discussion..

A remark like: "Niamh, nobody is going to do this for you and you have to do your bit too.."
That was like a stab to the heart. As if I'm not dealing with this disease. As if I've still been starving myself like months ago. As if I haven't been trying to eat. As if I haven't been eating all my extra foods everyday. As if I haven't been listening to Diann. As if I don't want to beat this. I have been trying so so hard,the past weeks have been a living hell, and they just seem to be getting worse and then for someone to turn around and say that I'm not doing my bit.. As if I expect everyone around me to fix me. I know I have to do the work myself. And I'm trying so so hard. It just wasn't fair to say that.. And of course, I know I'm a burden on everyone at the moment.. And that everyone would be better off if I would just hurry up and stuff my face with shitty foods, put on weight and then leave everybody the hell alone, so everyone can get back to living their normal lives without a small, thick little anorexic fart in the way. Don't you all think I'm aware of this?
I know what I have to do.. It sounds so easy.. But it's not and But I just can't..