It's easier to give in, than to fight

How bad am I? How stupid am I? But do I care? I don't think so.. Not when I'm feeling numb, when I'm feeling lifeless, when I get up in the morning and feel the need to keep myself occupied all day, so as not to be lazy, then I really don't care if I'm not listening to Diann's advice and to Fay inside my head. Then I just can't be bothered. And whenever dinnertime comes round.. which always seems to be too quick, I don't want to think about food. Why does the world revolve around food? What is that all about? Can I not just stop eating forever, and not have to think about food anymore? Because it's driving me mad, and I don't want to think and analyze anymore. I'm sick to death of it! Sick of worrying about putting on weight.. I've had it.

At times like this, when I think about other anorexics on hospital beds, being fed by a tube, fighting for their lives, and I understand exactly why and how they let themselves get that bad. Because it is so easy just to turn against food, because it drives you mental.. literally.. It drives you that insane that it's easier to not eat anymore. Just totally switch off, and train your body to live on nothing. It's so easy.. Dealing with it, dealing with the fight of food, that's the hard bit. And when it gets this bad, it's not even about losing weight anymore. That's not the issue. It's just the emotional turmoil that putting one mouthful into your mouth, brings with it.. Nobody can imagine it. The mind is just so overpowering, that it's scary. All anorexics know that they are damaging their body, probably for life. But they, or we, don't care. That's not the issue anymore. You just exist to resist food. Constantly. Day in, day out. You're life wouldn't be worth living, if you ate 3 proper meals a day. It sometimes isn't worth the emotional pain to eat all that food and to feel so bad about it, that giving in is easier. That's why some choose death over life.

Nobody can know, what it feels like to not be able to eat normally, without thinking and analyzing. I'm so often so jealous of people around who just sit down and enjoy a chicken curry, or chicken tikka.. I'm mouthwatering just thinking about it..
I've had it so much, with this sh*t.. really I have. I'd love to say that I would give anything to sit and enjoy a big plate of Indian curry, but obviously I wouldn't or else I would push myself and be so so strong and just do it.. But there's something there stopping me from doing this.. It's the guilt that would follow it.. the disgusting feeling of me being a pig.. I don't want to be a pig.. My god, I'm terrified right now.. please, don't let me turn into that person.. I don't want to be her anymore, I don't want to be me anymore..