The first day on the supplements

Yesterday, Thursday the 31st of July, I had my first day of drinking the supplements drinks..

The first day I have ever felt so full in months. And it wasn't nice. I had to have the following:
A yogurt, then fruit, supplement shake (like an energy drink), then muesli bar, then dinner, and then supplement shake.(all spread out over the whole day.. until 9 o clock at night).
Well,I cannot remember the last time I felt so bloated and fat. My stomach was sore, and all I felt like I was doing, all day long, was stuffing my face. The whole day revolved around getting down all this food, that I clearly don't need, because I was forcing it down and feeling ill. Every 2 hours, I had to eat something, or else I wouldn't fit it all in.. It was insane. And to top it all off, with all this extra energy, I wasn't allowed to do anything. I just sat and sat.. walking from the computer, to the telly, to the computer and back to the telly again.. for f*cking 18 hours!!!! What a sh*t day. There was nobody here to force the food down me, which I suppose is good. And with every bite.. as awful as it was, I told myself "in order to get better, I have to gain weight". So that helped me to force myself. But I was not a happy chappy..

The worst thing was, that I knew I would have to get up today and do it all over again.. The same pattern, the same amount, the same awful feeling inside, the same battle between not wanting to eat but knowing I have to. And looking for the same strength to tell myself "in order to get better, I have to gain weight". (to say it to myself is all well and good, but I have to actually act on it as well.. that's the hard part). Everyone knows that following your own advice and listening to yourself when you're not really arsed.. can be a tough call. It's frustrating.

These stupid supplements things are giving me nutrition and energy. They are feeding my brain..(which I'm so not happy about, I like the feeling of being dizzy and in my own world.. just Anna and me..) So I find myself running ahead of myself. Yesterday I was feeling like I was able to go out and get meself a wee job.. and wanted to just live my life. But I can't. And then I really don't understand why. I'm feeling psychically fine, and I can concur the world, so let me get on with it, and then I know deep down that really I can't, and that upsets me and makes me angry and frustrated.. And I know that the more weight I put on and stronger my body becomes that that feeling is only going to get stronger, and I'll be feeling shittier with myself. It scares me already, when I think ahead of dealing with that.. Because I don't know how long it all will take.. You see what I mean that I'm running away with myself? And then I know I need to take a few steps back.. slow down Niamh.. take one day at a time..Take it as it comes..Take the time..
God It's such a head-wrecker..

So today, it's yesterday all over again.. more stuffing my face and feeling like a bloated pig. Drinking these supplements makes me feel like I've lost all control of everything, even though I'm the one who is taking them. I'm drinking them. It's my choice. So why am I so angry with myself for taking them? I know why.. It's because Anna doesn't want me to take. She wants me to leave them in the fridge or throw them down the sink.. I could do that.. I'm tempted, believe me I am.. There's nobody here.. I'm Home Alone.. I could lie to Mam "yes, I took the supplements and they were yummy..".. But the battle between Fay and Anna is right there, in my face. I cannot say that Anna is overpowering. If she was, I wouldn't think twice about whether or not to take them, I just wouldn't. But I'm aware of the battle that is going on, which is good, at least I'm aware of something.. my brain must still be slightly functioning afterall..

Is this how everyday is going to be? Surely not. Everyday, revolving around trying to stuff my face as much as possible. What the hell? This isn't a life.. this isn't living. How come everyone else is just going about their daily lives.. This is so frustrating! Of course, I know why.. but still, it's just pissing me off. After just 1 day.. 1 day.. 1 lousy day.. There are so many ahead.. oh my god..

It's like I've lost control and the race to better health has really started from day 1 of taking these shitty supplements. It feels like the heat is really and truly on now.. and that it's full steam ahead and that the kilo's are going to start flying on me.. and it's all going to get out of control and I won't be able to keep up and it's going to make me so unhappy. I feel like I'm slipping.. yesterday was the start of the slippery slope and it's downhill from here.. even though, if I rationalize it, I know it's not, but that's the only way I can describe it right now. It scares me so much..

O no.. It's that time again.. I have to go and stuff my face.. I must..I must.. to increase my bust... (haha, well, if I can't cry about it, I might as well laugh about it..).