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Tuesdays are always good. I always feel so normal. I always feel so light.
It's great, and it's all because of the sessions I have had on the Monday evening. It seems to work wonders. I always feel re-energized, I feel on top of things, and I feel positive in life and positive about getting better. I always want to eat and do as much as I can in order to get better. The Tuesdays.. How uplifting they are..
(just wanted to get that off my chest)

It always feels so great after processing everything in my mind and whilst writing this. However I have come to realize (partially because it was mentioned yesterday when I was with Diann) that certain things I write can have a big impact on all my nearest and dearest. The fact that it would touch so many people, never entered my mind and the fact that it would only make people more concerned never entered my mind either. I feel slightly naive and guilty having to admit this. On bad days, I sometimes am not even aware of what I'm writing, I just babble on and on.. I literally start typing and don't think twice about what I'm actually saying.. It's like autopilot.. I then click on the "publish post" button and it's gone. I don't read it back. I haven't read anything back. Once it's out there, it's out there and that's it.. for me it's gone.. for now anyhow.

We spoke about this yesterday with Diann. I thought initially Mam wanted me to tone it down.. But that's not what it was. She was aiming at the fact that it can be scary to read. Mainly because it's real life. But this blog, to me, it's my only out-let. Here at home, I don't really speak much about how I feel anymore. It's easier for me just not to speak, especially on my bad days or weak days. I don't want to have to think about talking to get out all of my frustration, it takes too much energy and effort..
This blog is my "saving grace". Sometimes I know I might be too honest, too blunt, too open about everything. But I don't want to have to lie, I don't want to have to pretend that I'm fine when I'm not. What's the point in that? Honesty is always the best policy however at the same time it maybe me being selfish. Putting loved ones through this as well. But I have to be selfish at this moment in time, I have to focus on what's best for me right now, I'm the only one who knows how I can deal with this in best possible way and I'm the only one who knows what going on in my head.
So even though it may be hard to read at times, I don't mean to be so blunt, I don't mean to scare anybody, I don't mean any harm. I'm dealing with these thoughts as they come along and as best I possibly can, and there's no other way I can deal with them at the moment than the way I have been doing for the past weeks.. and that's through writing..
Please don't worry about how horrific they have seemed. I would never ever do anything to harm myself. Really I wouldn't (Diann even asked me yesterday..) You can take my word for it. You see, the thing about this blog; you know that every thought that has come into my head the past 8 weeks, has come up in at least one of my posts at one stage or another.. that's how honest I am. Me being so honest about all this, is probably a godsend, especially to my mam, because I don't hold back. At least this way, she (and probably the whole world..haha..only joking) knows what's going on "upstairs".. how horrendous it sometimes may seem. Being so open about it all, can make me feel "exposed".. But I have no more shame.. I am who I am, that's it.. I have nothing to hide.

For my Mam it's extremely difficult reading these, I do try to see this. The fact that I don't want to hear her feedback doesn't make it easier. But I don't want to hear feedback from anyone really. In emails and comments, I love it and I need it, I appreciate it and they help me so much. When they are written down, I have space. If I'm feeling down, bad or depressed I can shut them off, and read them the next day.. Which is all good.. I have to choice if I want to confront myself with them or not. But when I actually hear the words out loud, it's hard. I have no control over what is going to be said and don't know if I'll be able to deal with it or not. They can make me feel so bad even on a good day.

Mam can deal with it so well.. We talk about this as well with Diann. We come to "arrangements" on how to deal with these certain little situations that arise, we figure out a "game-plan" if you like, with Diann, we agree on it, and it's grand. Because my mood swings can be horrendous.. to put it mildly. Here, at home, we all deal with them real well (or Mam, Eileen and Sean deal with them really well.. I just strop about like a 13 year old.) Whenever I don't talk, I just don't talk and I'm quiet and withdrawn and everyone just leaves me alone. Which is what I want and it's fine. But being quiet doesn't necessarily mean that I'm grumpy. It can be that I'm emotional and sad or just tired. Mam, Eileen and Sean deal with it so well. They can sense it straight away and if not, I'll soon let them know that it's not a day for talking. Everybody just goes about their business, they carry on laughing and joking and being in good moods and that's all grand. I just shut off to it all. It doesn't make me more pissed off. It doesn't make me sad or happy either because I have shut off for a reason, and that's so as not to have to communicate or be apart of the here and now. I don't want to be apart of the "fuss and commotion", it's my choice and therefore it's okay.
I'm glad they just let me be in my mood and that they understand why I'm all over the place. I'm glad they don't tippy toe around me (sometimes I might be paranoid and think that they are.. but this isn't the case) and that they don't think any less of me by having to live with me in my current state.
I couldn't have wished for better company to be around, whilst banning Anna from my life.. Thanking you from the bottom of my heart xxx