Independence

The past 2 days I haven't had the strength or desire to figure out who is in my head all day long. I've switched both Anna and Fay off and have constantly just been eating.
I have gotten to the stage where I am just wore out and am tired of thinking and analyzing food.. It's driving me mad..

Instead I have found something else to obsess and analyze.. All I can think about is traveling.. I want to get out of here so badly.. It's always on my mind, but the past few days the urge is getting more and more.. So much so that not being able to travel at the moment is making me feel more depressed than Anna is making me feel.

I feel so smothered and claustrophobic. I need to "spread my wings".. All by myself.. I need to just go, where ever the wind takes me. Every night, before I go to sleep I'm jetting off somewhere on a plane because in my dreams "the world is my oyster". Dreaming and imagining.. It's just me and my backpack.. Me and my buddy, we used have such a close connection.
Getting slightly sidetracked..
This feeling of being smothered makes me feel like a child and I don't want this anymore. Constantly feeling like I'm being watched and observed. It's getting too much. Sometimes I feel like I can't breath. I NEED to feel like I can still live my own life, BY MYSELF. I need to be my own person again. So badly. I scares me to think I don't have this anymore. It freaks me out. It's also heading spinning knowing that I once had all these things.. It seems crazy and insane that such a dramatic change of direction have caused me to loose all this. It's gone and I need to fight so hard for it to be mine again. That feeling of being free in making my own decisions and living my own life, that I always took for granted, seems to have to taken away from me, Anna has taken over.

Am I scared that I'm not able to make my own decisions like I used to? Am I scared that my ability to be able depend on myself alone, has been taken away from me? Am I scared that I won't have the confidence anymore to do the things I want in this life?

Freedom, Confidence and Independence.. Are they linked? To be free is to be independent. A person can be free, even whilst having responsibilities. People may think that only people who travel, experience the ultimate feeling of freedom. But this isn't the case. A person can feel liberated just by knowing that the place they have come from and the place they are going in life, has been their own choice and that every decision or plan that is made, can be changed but only achieved by living and doing it themselves. Isn't this independence as well?

To achieve these certain things in life, you need confidence. Does it make, achieving things, easier? Can we be without it? Where does it actually come from? It's not like a character trade, or is it? A person doesn't come from the whom with confidence..
A person who is independent, has it in their genes.. Right? (My mother would always tell the story of my first day at school, when I was 4. My schoolbag on my back, no tears, so small and so independent at the same time (this is how my mother recalls it anyhow). On my second day I was already wanting to go on Sean Carey's schoolbus, I didn't want or need Mam to bring me). So surely it's in my genes? Where has it gone now then? Has it left me in the lurch? Is it taking a time-out?

To admit that my independence and confidence aren't "all there" at this present moment, makes me feel like such a failure. I was always the one with confidence, it was never an issue, never something I lacked, I was just always me.. Take it, or leave it.. See if I care..
Am I still like that? I really don't have a clue. Admitting that I've lost these things that partially made me the person I used to be, is like owning up to loosing apart of myself. I always thought I knew myself pretty well. But now, I'm not too sure if I did. Has it just altered slightly for me to deal with Anna? Or have I been fooling myself all these years? Have I been pretending to myself and everyone else that I am someone I'm not?
But whilst typing this, I know full well that it isn't the case. I know I have never tried to be someone I'm not. No.
So now, I need to find it all again? In order to be able to live the life that I want I need to find my confidence and independence, and I'll feel and be free again.

(P.S. Where on earth will I find and rediscover them both? Maybe I forgot to pack them when I was leaving Australia or Asia.. That would be a great excuse for me to return haha ;))