A moment spent analyzing

Sitting here thinking.. feeling that I know exactly what's going on, I know what's happening to me, I know what I have to do now, I've it all sorted. Feeling fine..

And then, all of a sudden, I haven't a clue anymore.. It's all gone fuzzy.. my head is too full again. Just when I thought I had figured it all out.. it all comes back and hits me in the face.. again.. Like a proper punch.. There it is.. And then panic starts to arise..

How can that be? That, sometimes, within the space of a minute or an hour.. things can all of a sudden seem so unclear again. Not knowing where to start or where you're going. Everything is all muddled up again. It's like the brain is playing tricks.. trying to fool you into making you think you know what's going on. When truly, you haven't a clue.

It seems unfair, it seems mean.. But it has happened without us having any control over it, even though it's in your own head. How powerful is the mind, when it does that? It's scary, because you don't know if you can rely on what's going on inside your own head. If YOU don't understand what's going on inside your head, how can you ever expect ANYBODY ELSE on this planet to have any understanding? If you don't understand yourself, how can you reach out for help and guidance that is needed in times of struggle and grief and trust them? If we don't know what's best for us ourselves, is there anybody out there who DOES know what's best for us? When we do find this certain person, they will become our guide. But can they be trusted to know what's best for us? Can we fully depend on this guide? Is that not taking a risk?

We all need guidance, especially when the fog is too dense, when we cannot see.. when everything is muddled. We have to reach out, and be grateful that there is someone willing and able to be your guide, for however long it may take. But then, will we know when it's safe to let go and trust ourselves to be our own guide? Because if you got yourself into a position that you were not able to get out of yourself, how do we know that, when we do finally guide ourselves again, that we won't make another mistake again? Will it be that your mind is tricking you again, by letting you think that you know exactly what's going on, when you actually don't? Is it all fake?

If you cannot rely on yourself to make the right decisions for yourself, when is it safe to let your guide go? Will our guide lead us back to the path we have chosen to follow? What if another wrong choice has been made along your path, and this triggers another choice.. which could also be the wrong one? Or is there really such a thing as making a wrong choice, taking the wrong turn? Maybe it's what we learn from these wrongs that we have chosen? Does it all happen for us to eventually get to our destination, but just by taking the long way around? Does this all occur just for us to appreciate life and what we have accomplished?

I guess what I'm trying to get at, is how, when we have made the wrong choices in life, do we know that the next choice or decision we make, is the right one? When my head is so muddled and scrambled, how can I be sure that I can rely on myself to decide what's right for me?

You see, this is the thing.. 2 years ago, I made the decision to eat healthy... This got out of control and has put me in the position I now find myself. I thought I was making the right choice.. But I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought I knew what is best for me, what would give me more pleasure out of life, and make me happier.. good foods, that's all I wanted. But look at me now.

My head is forced to work overtime at the moment, to get through this. But it's all tangled.. There are so many issues that come to the surface. But I do have guidance, a lot of it, and until I have given myself time to figure out what is going on in my head, I know that the guidance I have been given to lead me back to my path will be there, until I can rely on myself and trust myself again to know what's the best for me.

All this, comes into my head, out of the blue, not expecting it at all.. It throws me slightly off my course.. Because when thinking and convincing myself that I'm getting there, then I suddenly realize that I'm not even half way up the mountain.. The top of the mountain (as my little brother sean put it) being good physical and mental health.