My hosiptal Appointment

I had my appointment this morning.. got it over and done with. Thank god.

The "assessment".. A psychologist (not too sure if that is the right spelling) called Caroline. Before I went into her office, the dreaded f*cking weighing scales.. panic, anger and frustration.. I really didn't want her to weigh me.. oh no! this wasn't a great start.. Anyhow, I don't want to talk about my weight at the moment, it's only a number I keep on telling myself, so I will leave it at that...

I then had to go in to see Caroline and in such "cases" she always wants to assess the patient alone, so without any parents present. At first I thought.. oh, I don't really know if I can do this on my own. With every appointment so far, my mother has been there, so now it was different. I was switched off whilst sitting in the waiting room, so I needed to get my brain on this planet, or else I would just sit there like a zombie.. It's ok I told myself.. I can do this. And I did.

I went in alone, The first question.. "do you know why you're here?".. (like the AA meeting you see.. when you have to stand up and admit you have a problem..).. I thought.. O yes, I am so much further than taking that dreaded first step of owning up to having this illness. Me, at my chirpiest.. "O Yeah, I have anorexia.."
Not a bother, I'll admit it, I have no shame. Then we started going through everything. She asked questions, personal questions.. and I answered and told the stories. About my childhood, about school, about my work, about the past 2 and 3 years, about relationships with my family, friends, alcohol and drugs. About the past few months, about Diann, about my eating patterns now and before I started to go to Diann, how I was coping with it, how I was feeling, how was my mood, my sleeping, just about everything.

I talked and talked for 35 minutes to the stage that I felt dizzy.. But I did it, and at the end of it all, she made her conclusions..
At the moment I am aware of the illness, am wanting to get better, I am accepting the treatment, I am responding positively. There isn't anything more that I could be doing to fight this. I'm doing my best and I need to take as much time as I need. She was very upbeat about it all. I have come along way in the past 7 weeks. And the way she said this, had me close to tears. She was so genuine, I could see that she meant it. She knew and I knew that if I keep this up that I will get better.. There was a sense of compassion and sympathy in her eyes, but more importantly I could also see belief in her eyes.. even though I was only with her for 35 minutes.
I felt proud of myself sitting there, by myself, hearing this and knowing that it was my hard work.. I already had a sense of achievement.. Even though these are only the extremely early days of the recovery ahead.
She believes in me.. I believe in me..

Going in on my own, gave me a boost and made me realize that I still can be independent, I still have it.. and I'm still confident enough too.. I haven't lost the knack of being independent. I loved that feeling! A strange feeling of freedom..

After stressing last night about it so much, this appointment didn't have the effect on me I thought it would, not initially anyway. I felt relieved to get it over with. I won't need to go back there, I just need to keep on fighting. It didn't make me want to make myself feel bad, it didn't bring out feelings of Anna.. It motivated me to more to take my supplement on the way back home in the car...