Week 7, No Diann the week

Week 7..no appointment with Diann.

Diann is on holidays this week, unfortunately.
Last week, when I was with her, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to make it through 2 full weeks without going to see her. I thought I would be on the verge of exploding.. (due to overconsumption of food and thoughts.. ;)..
But, it's ok. It's fine.

I've had a better week than I can remember, so it's not as unbearable and I'll be able to wait until next Monday to see her. I can do it, no probs.. I reckon.

It's been a strange day so far. Not too sure what's going on. I've been having more hunger pains which is strange, even after I just had my supplement.. Never experienced that before, even though my stomach does still sting and I still am constantly bloated and full.. Which seems weird.. Feeling hungry and full at the same time.. confusing.. my poor brain, it's still a bit "out of whack" I think.

In the mornings I still feel sick and full. I still struggle trying to eat my yogurt because I'm so full. Then the supplement. Sometimes my stomach hurts afterwards, sometimes it's ok. The one I take at night causes me the worst discomfort. It's getting less which is good for Fay or makes me feel so on my good days and shit on my bad day.. I'm obviously adapting to it all. Another strange strange thing.. once I've finished the supplements, I want more..
Listen...
I think everybody knows the feeling that once you start to eat something and you're really enjoying it, and you just can't stop.. For instance, "Pringles.. Once you pop you can't stop". You know you've had enough and you're full but you cannot stop yourself from eating. Well, I would usually have the same feeling whenever I eat muesli. But now, I'm having it with the supplements.. I'm raging when my glass is empty. My head is telling me I want more.. and if somebody put another one in front of me, I would be able to drink it.. It's so strange..

So I don't really know in what way my body is now adapting to all the extra nutrition that it's all of sudden getting. It might be a natural response. I'm not too sure, but next week Diann will have to shed some light on that issue.

Dinners are a disaster though, in my head. I try to disguise it, but the panic I feel is still so powerful. I don't look forward to dinners anymore, I don't count down the hours, like I used to before I started the supplements. Dinnertime comes around too fast, and I would love to skip it. I'm never hungry and Anna is always there wanting me to have a bowl of muesli. But Fay is there telling me I need my carbs and protein.. I never want it and I start to panic at the thoughts of having a full plate.
This is so frustrating, because dinnertime never used to be that big an issue.. on good days. But now, it doesn't matter if it's a good or a bad day, I just don't want it..

After getting some great advice from a special person through another special person, I'm trying to "train" myself to switch off and just ignore Anna when she's there. "Faking it". If I'm not beating her, I can pretend that I am.. Well "can" seems like it's easily done, but it's not. I can give it my best shot to ignore her.. But what if the chicken that I have to eat, just seems repulsive to me? And even though I love chicken to bits, I have already convinced myself, without even being aware, that it's gross, that I cannot stomach it and that I don't NEED it. At the same time, I know that once I start eating it, I won't be able to stop. Is that why I just don't want to go near it? Maybe. I'm not too sure, but I hate dinnertime so so much..

I hate the guilty feeling that I have once I DO finish that plate.. It makes me feel so so bad. Nobody can ever understand what that feeling is like. All I can think about, is what I'm putting my poor body through, while it's trying it's best to digest an enormous and gross amount of food..I even try to capture a picture of it in my mind.. What exactly is happening now on the inside? And when my stomach gets so sore and I'm feeling sick, the guilt is even stronger.. I just cannot get away from it, there is not escaping it..

It seems such a shame. I'd love to be able to look forward to dinnertime, I used to always love it. Great, you know, ma's great cooking, eat as much I want. Have a yogurt for dessert afterwards or if Ma made some of her apple pie, have some of that.. gorgeous..
It seems a waste, it seems a pity, it seems like I'm missing out..
Or am I not? Who wants to stuff their faces till they are so full they can't walk? Right now, the thoughts of that just makes me feel sick to my stomach.. so gross.
O god, I can, right now, feel a panic arising.. I will not be able to eat a normal dinner ever again.. It's just disgusting..Can I not just live on the supplements forever? They will see me through and I like them.. Can I? Please? Then I can just get on with my life and I won't have to face dinnertime again, and I won't need to stress about it or feel ill and sick to my stomach after eating it.. I won't have to think about food anymore.. The would be nice... If only...