So much food, not enough hours

Today was so hard. I was trying all day, to fit everything in..
All my extra's, and my supplements and my carbs..
It was a struggle all day..

I didn't eat everything I should have eaten.. I didn't yesterday either.. or the day before. It's just so much.. For a person with a normal appetite, I reckon they would even struggle with the amount of food that I'm eating at the moment.

I'm trying to eat every 2 hours.. And I do, but I've had to half the portions.. or else I'll be full and fat constantly.. My yogurt I have halved.. my extra's are less than a week ago, my dinner is only a few mouthfuls.. and I'm always full, bloated and sore and feeling sick to my stomach every couple of hours. Then I feel all the fatty shit that's in the supplements stretching around my bones on my lower back, my body trying to do something with all calories.. it's like they are being plastered on to me (you know the saying, that when you eat something fatty that you could just stick it on the hips straight away.. well that's what those supplements are doing to me I reckon). And I don't have any say in the matter. I don't have any control over it. I don't know what the hell is in the supplements exactly, but it can't be good, not when I'm sitting there on the sofa with a hot water bottle on my stomach, crying at the thoughts of what I'm doing to myself and what's happening to me and what has become of me. How f*cking pathetic..

It's now 11 o clock at night. If I had my way, I'd now go for a walk, or I'd want to do some exercise. But that's just stupid. I had my supplement 2 hours ago and I now have all this energy in my body and nothing to do with it. I have already decided to go for a walk tomorrow. I haven't been all week, and at the moment I don't really care. Today my legs were too tired, so I just went to the petrol station and back (10 minute walk). But tomorrow I should be fine.

The worst thing is, from tomorrow I have to take 3 supplements a day!!! How am I going to do that? How is that possible? 1 in the morning, 1 in the afternoon and 1 at night. I would nearly want to set my alarm clock for 7 o clock in the morning, and be up and start eating from then on, just to be able to fit it all in.. Or I could just not have my yogurt or any extra's or any dinner. Surely 3 of those shitty drinks should be enough to keep me going? I've done it before, easy, but then I'd have 3 liters of green tea instead..
I'm dreading tomorrow, after today being so hard. They just make me feel so bad about myself.

As well as not controlling what I'm eating, I'm starting to feel lost without the weighing scales. The fact the I haven't been weighed in nearly 2 weeks is starting to worry me and freak me out. I sit here and I worry worry worry.. O god, as long as I haven't put ON anything, then I'm fine. I just hope Diann weighs me on Tuesday when I go to see her. I know I've put on weight. O god.. This is the sh*t part of it.. This is it.. It's down hill from here.. with every kilo I put on, the unhappier I will be.. and everyone will expect me to be better once the weight is back on.. O god, this is such a head wrecker..What am I going to do, what if Diann doesn't weigh me.. then I have to wait another week..This is torture and one big heap of sh*t..