"Use your drive & determination, Niamh!"

Last night, Tuesday, I went to see Diann. This was session number 5. (not that I'm keeping track or anything..)

I was waiting all week for this one, and it couldn't have come sooner.. It was a day later, and I felt it, I was about to explode. The whole day, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just let it all pass me by, wasn't wanting to have any conversations or anything.. I just want to keep all my energy for that hour I was going to spend talking "at" Diann. I was afraid to think about anything else all day long, just in case I was to forget how my week was or how I was feeling.. cause then it would all still be bottled up and it would have been a waste of a session.. and they have become precious to me.

When I think about the session now, I can see that I really did save up all my energy, and all this anger, frustration and a "hyped-up Niamh" came to the surface. This was a massive difference if I think back to last week, when I sat there like a zombie.

This session was focused more on the food aspect of it all. Mainly because it was my first week taking these supplements. And looking back on the week, I must be honest, and say that I did do real well. I started them on Wednesday night, and from Thursday I had to take them myself, without being told or given them (this sounds so childish I know, but when you don't want to take medication that you need for the sake of your health, it can be so easy just to throw it down the sink, nobody needs to know), it was my own responsibility, because mam was on holidays for 5 days. I took them all.. the first 4 days 2 supplement drinks and from day 5 I had to take 3. Mam said not to look on the pack, because it says how much calories are in them, it was right there in front of me, but I was so strong and didn't look. I just didn't want to know. And that took some strength I can tell you.. But I did it.

I did admit to Diann that I had been cutting down on my portions. I just wasn't able to finish any of them, for being so full, sick, sore, shitty and like a fat pig all the time. This, she said, is Anna. Which of course didn't come as a surprise to me.. I knew it. And once I start having smaller portions, the smaller they will get and the longer I do that, that harder it will be go back to having the full portions again. She was sooooo right, because I found it hard to eat a whole yogurt after just 1 week of eating a smaller portion.. You could compare it to weighing yourself. I would always say to myself.. "as long as I haven't put ON weight, I'm fine, I don't really want to loose it, just to stay the same is okay". But then when you loose one kilo, you still say the same thing. If I were to put on that kilo, it's a tragedy just like eating a whole yogurt instead of half.. it's a tragedy. This is all Anna. Bullying me.
So she told, quit the half portions while you still can, because it's making the road back to a healthy Niamh even longer and harder..

She weighed me, by the way, and I'm still the same weight. I know most of you will expect me to magically be 10 kilo's heavier. But that is just unrealistic in such a short space of time (5 weeks..nobody could put on any big amount of weight in a few weeks). So I'm still the same.. probably lighter since I arrived in Ireland 5 weeks ago. And, if I'm honest, I was happy that I hadn't put on anything. How bad! I know.. But I can't help not wanting to put on weight at the moment.

Then the whole issue came to light, about what is really important.. AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME.. (because I tend to constantly get ahead of myself and worry about things that are way down the line).. At this moment, I have to focus on putting on weight. That's what it's all about. My body has gone into shut-down mode, my organs are only barely surviving, and I need to rest, to get my physical strength back. Every week Diann is stressing the importance of this and that's only because I'm STILL trying to realize the extent of this situation.. (it seems like it's taking forever by the way). If I don't let myself rest, and store the extra calories to regain body strength and rebuild tissue and any kind of muscle.. then I will not be able to see this through..

There are 2 ways I can recovery from Anna
1)The most efficient and quickest way.. that would be to rest all day long, strengthen my heart, body and mind by doing so. No walking, no exercise, no housework, just resting and sleeping, eating all I'm supposed to and drinking my supplements.
2)The long way.. that would be to go on like I have been the past weeks. Forcing myself to do things, always trying to keep busy, wanting to be tired, wanting to feel shit and cutting down on my portions.
You can definitely see the battle between Anna and Fay. The hardest way to recovery is listening to Fay.. because it's unnatural for me. It's seems to be against everything I believe in. I don't want to feel lazy, sit around and eat all day..
The easiest thing for me to do is just to keep on going. Just keep on pushing myself. Feeling good and better about myself the less I eat, feeling more in control the shittier and more depressed I get. That's the easy option..
As My doctor said to me..
"you can either take the easy way or difficult way.. and when something is so difficult, it's because it's the right thing to do.." And she was so right.

Well, I'm not a wuss (at least that's what I like to think..haha) so I'll go take the difficult road please!
Diann said the most girls suffering from anorexia use the drive, motivation and willpower they have (because this is apparently a typical character trade of girls with their own personal Anna on their shoulder), to turn things in the other direction. So the strength I used to become 30 kilo, I now have to use to undo the damage.

It's sounds so simple.. However.. it's not..
In order to shut something that seems so natural to me, out of my head will take so much determination. Because it's like a second nature to me, always thinking about diet, counting calories, weighing myself, keeping fit and not being lazy. Especially when you have led yourself to believe that you are doing yourself good. I have been living by this. But I need to change my beliefs. I need to see that all this "good" I have been doing myself has pushed my body to it's extremes. I have become someone I used to watch documentaries about. When you have this thing in your head, saying that you aren't worthy of chocolate, crisps, nuts, curry, beer.. and you have lived according to this belief for months and months on end.. it just doesn't disappear. Every waking hour it's there. Convincing me that I'm bad when I give in. So I never would give in. I resisted. All that resisting has brought me to this place. Now I must find the same drive and willpower I have been using to resist food, to let myself eat and enjoy food.

For this to work, I need to have so much mental strength. Without it, it's a lost cause. According to Diann, I'm so malnourished that it's just about impossible for my head to be in the right place, to constantly be able to fight Anna. The energy you need to fight something so strong, constantly, 24 hours a day, is a fierce amount. (She told me, that for me to function "normally" and back into normal life, I would need to take 3000 to 4000 calories a day!). The supplements combined with what I eat throughout the day, is the bare minimum. I'm only just surviving.. these are Diann's words.. (If I had my say, it would be "but I'm fine, there's nothing wrong with me..")
So not until I start gaining weight and strength, will I properly be kicking Anna's ass (put in your words Mark..). At the moment, "I'm starting to make a stand".. these were Diann's words again.

If I keep on telling myself that I'm fine, I'm never going to get better.. That's basically what it all comes down to. I need to keep on feeding myself. Sometimes girls with their own personal Anna, can eat everything they're supposed to, and still not put on any weight (this has got to do with the metabolism that has changed). That really depends on the person. At the moment, I'm in the early stages, so we don't know how fast I will be putting on weight. But if I'm feeding myself, and taking my supplements, I will be able to at least think straight and see what is happening around me and see life as it is, without feeling depressed (that's how you feel when you haven't had enough calories), and this will give me more determination to keep on fighting to put on weight so I can start living again. I will have mental energy and I will feel human. I will be able to battle.

At the moment I'm in no position to be on top of Anna 24 / 7. The positivity and upbeat energy it takes, is not "normal". Even for people who are healthy, glowing, living a life, working and just being content and happy it's impossible to be upbeat and positive about life 24 /7. It takes up too much energy. I could go into "self-pity" mode right now, but that's just pathetic.. But for me, I'm not that person (I'm not healthy, glowing, living a life, working or happy), not by a long shot.. which makes it nearly impossible for me, at the moment, to be on top of this..constantly.

Usually towards the end of the week, I just get so tired of fighting Anna. Because I give it my all and am feeling good just after I've been to see Diann and this lasts for a few days, if I really give it my all.. and 4 or 5 days later I'm just tired of fighting it.. It drains me completely.

So, right now, I'm doing everything in my power to turn my drive around. I'm going to take more rest, I'm going to take full portions, I'm going to tell myself each timeI have to eat (which seems to be constantly at the moment), "In order for me to get better, I need to gain weight". Some days I won't need to, because I'll be strong, like today, other days I will have to force myself.. But I need to stay strong. I have to focus on sticking to my "menu".. That's what's most important right now.

The way I've been pushing myself the past weeks..thinking "I want to go just 1 more week without putting on weight", then I'll never get better. I'm just prolonging my recovery. Before I know it, it will be October.. then November.. then December.. and I'll still be sitting here, and my blog will probably have exploded from all the writing I will have been doing and the computer will have gone into overdrive or, heaven forbid, the Ice Age will be well on its way...

So, I need to rest, listen to my body, listen to the aches and pains, find out what it's trying to tell me and realize the seriousness of the situation..

The most important thing I took from this session was that I need to turn all my determination, drive and willpower around on Anna and give it all to Fay.. She is waiting for me... it's been too long since we've seen each other...