Cravings..

All day, every day, whenever I start to eat, I never want to stop. I want more..all the time, even when I'm full. I discussed this with Diann, and it's all part of the process even though it feels wrong.

Months ago I had the strength to switch this off and ignore it and go through life without giving in to hunger feelings and the cravings for certain food. But now, because I'm allowed all this food, well I actually need it and am supposed to have as much as possible, I'm wanting more all the time. It doesn't matter if I'm full or not. I'm want so much food. It makes me so scared of binging.. Everybody knows what that's like.. For example, you haven't had chocolate for weeks and you put it off for as long as possible, but then when you do start eating it, when you give in to your craving, you can't stop and you overeat. I'm terrified that it's going to start happening to me.. Diann reckons it will die down. I have to eat small amounts regularly. I expected these urges of stuffing my face to be gone by now because I've been eating so well for weeks and weeks.. But Diann said that it's my body knowing that I'm still underweight. Not until I'm at my "set-weight" will this slow down. What's my set-weight? 50 kilo's I reckon. But I don't want to go back to weighing that much.. I can't deal with that.. I know it's I'm thinking too far ahead now, but it still scares me. Sorry..slightly side-tracked..

Basically what this comes down to, is that my brain will constantly tell me to keep on eating, until I'm back up to my normal weight. Now that I'm hungry on a regular basis, it's even more tempting to stuff my face all day long.. That's the signals my brain is getting.. food, food and more food.. I'm coming out of "starvation-mode", my brain and stomach need to learn to work together again, to be "in sync", like it used to be.. Like anybodys' body, the stomach needs food so tells your brain to eat, or is the other way around? Not too sure, but they have to work together and have to recreate the balance they once had. Sometimes I think back to when I ate normal meals and I try to remember how much I would eat, how the portions would be, and how often I would eat in between meals. And I just don't seem to know anymore. I can't really remember. I probably don't want to remember. But the point I'm making is that, not until my set-weight has been reached, am I going to be able control these urges.

My body is still in the process of learning to eat again, how often to feel hungry and how much food I need. Once this process gets back to normal, I won't be in danger of relapse. At the moment if I skip a meal, I'm buggered (as I proved to myself yesterday). But it won't always be like that, Diann reassured me. I wanted to know would it always be "dangerous" for me to have a day when I don't eat my vegetables, for example.. "A compensation day". Doesn't everybody have at least one of those days a week? A day when they forget to have lunch for instance but don't need a day in bed to get over it..? Again, this all will return to normal once I've reached my set-weight (I'm really starting to hate that word already..never mind the meaning of it..). I will then have a healthy body and I won't be feeling dizzy, weak and faint whenever I don't have a day of proper eating and I won't feel like binging either. I won't feel like I do now. It's really all so straight-forward. But I can't see that right now. I look at other people, and I analyze the meals they eat, how regularly they eat and the meals they skip. I seem to be eating more than most.. a prime example: my sister Eileen. Whenever she's at home she hardly ever eats.. I'm just amazed..and I do be thinking..o no, she's starting to develop an eating disorder as well..But that's just ludicrous. Because she obviously does eat..just never at home.. The point I'm trying to make is that, with a normal weight, normal metabolism and normal eating habits, forgetting to have lunch, isn't always going to result in binging and relapsing.. But for now, it could have that result, so I need to ignore the urges, switch them off, take one meal at a time and keep the strength going..