A Fragile Human Being

Last week was a hard week, and Friday was tricky. I set myself up for a minor breakdown, by pushing myself and forcing myself to be active and keep busy. I did this for 10 minutes, and then I emotionally "collapsed". I was back in bed 10 minutes later.. where I stayed. It was just me and my scary thoughts..

Diann asked me today why was it so scary and what was going on?
It was hard to explain.. The main thing was that during acupuncture I felt as if something was being released. This I felt for the first time and it set something off.. So Friday afternoon it carried on. I could feel myself being set free.. As I lay there I constantly had an image of myself and how I was living 6 months ago, in my room in Breda back in Holland. My life revolved around working, being active and not eating. I could see how isolated and trapped I felt back then. It was like being trapped inside my own body. I kept seeing myself, the person who I was trying to be or acting as I thought I should. I was comparing myself back then to myself now. As I lay in bed on a Friday afternoon, all alone, I could already feel the difference. I could feel the barriers open, even if it was only ever so slightly. The gates were opening for the first time and I felt a relief.. I was literally being set free.. I could feel that this was the start of something new, a new chapter, a "new" person with new ways. So much excitement, only to improve the quality of my life. All this, brought on by myself. Just by myself being "me". I was in a state of "being". I wasn't forcing and wasn't pushing. It was just happening which means it's the real me, I was being true to my feelings and that's what came to the surface..

And as I lay there, I was feeling so ill, bad and low, but I felt happier than I had done 6 months ago when I was still living my normal life.. It didn't matter how hard this period is for me right now, or how hard it has been. There's no where else I would wanted to be in the world, than snuggled up in my bed, alone with my thoughts.. At that moment, it was were I needed to be.. content in my discomfort, but not content due to Anna but content because I know Fay is in there and she can make my dreams a reality by nourishing me back to health. So I'm not mad at myself, But I'm glad that I've realized I'm a fragile human being, just like everyone else. I'm glad I've realized that I'm not invincible. I'm glad for the feelings I'm going through no matter how bad they get.
I always thought that I new myself so well. But I only new bits. Those were only a few sparkles of the diamond. But after this, the my diamond will shine in it's full glory. Because, just like everybody else in the world, I'm a worthy person, I'm allowed to be here and I'm allowed to live a life because there's so much more to a human being than just "being"..