The Roadtrip.. Pit-stop number 11..

Monday afternoon. Just back from Diann.. a morning session.. Number 11.. It just keeps on going.. week after week.. Like a road trip.. Making some pit-stops along the way.. but still cruising along, making the journey to reach the destination. But as with any road-trip, the journey is far more important than the destination.

Well, this "pit-stop" was just as good as all the other ones, different again.. Each and every session is so different.
I was gearing myself up for this session, last night, and I couldn't sleep a wink. I felt like I was going to burst. I went to bed at around 12 and I don't know what time it was when I finally fell asleep..but it was late. I woke up this morning, thinking that the whole past weeks was just a nightmare that I had woken up from. But I soon realized that this wasn't the case..unfortunately..

I had so much to say, so much I needed to get off my chest.When we were there, I couldn't speak..I sat there in tears.. not knowing where to start. I didn't know what I felt was more important to deal with. I didn't know what was causing the most discomfort..Because, we only have an hour.. and it's impossible for everything to be dealt with.

My main issue this week, or the past days was all the food. Of course, I hear you think. But that isn't always the issue. The last 4 or 5 weeks or whatever, I've been eating and switching off. I've been able to handle it. I could cope. I just dealt with it and it wasn't freaking me out as much.
This week it was different. The food has been freaking me out and scaring me more so than any other week so far. I've been feeling as though I've been drowning and I've been feeling swamped by the amount of food I have to eat. I think there was only 1 day this week, that I was able to eat everything. Every other day I missed at least one thing that I had to eat.. Mostly because I was feeling fat and full..
Yesterday was the worst day, when it came to eating. All I had was my breakfast, a toasted sandwich for dinner and my supplements. I wanted to prove to myself that I could go for hours without food. I wanted to still have that strength and I wanted to give myself a break and feel in control again. I couldn't let go of the feeling that it's just so wrong to constantly stuff my face. Anna was so strong and I didn't fight her. I let her win yesterday. By last night, I felt awful. My mood wasn't too bad, but my body was in a state. My back ached, my head was sore, I was dizzy, I was weak and I just ill.. I knew that I needed food.

What did this whole "experiment" yesterday prove to me? How can I benefit and learn from it? It tells me that my digestive system is starting to work again. It tells me that I do need food. This might sound good, and it should be a learning curve. It proves that I'm making progress.. But to me, it feels awful. It tells me that I'm turning out to be just like everybody else. It's proof that I'm loosing Anna. I'm breaking away from her, and letting go. It's scary and it's so hard. The more I eat and the more I feel hungry, that scarier this is getting. I'm losing control. I'm losing the one thing that made me feel special, because not being able to eat and live a "full and happy" life without needing food, was my specialty.. and now I'm losing that.. It's going. Diann said that it's normal. It's like grieving.. You're losing something that had become apart of your life. That's why I feel a panic arise whenever I wake up in the morning feeling hungry or when, like last night, I realize that I do need to eat regularly..

The weight issue makes it all the more real. It shows that I'm distancing myself more and more from Anna. I'm losing the control over it. It's been years since I put on weight. But it's started. My backside is starting to grow, my cheeks are getting fat, my belly is getting bigger. I haven't been weighed in weeks.. maybe 5 weeks I think. I don't want to weigh myself, I just can't deal with it. But I can feel that I'm putting it on..It's so unnatural and makes me so unhappy.

Everyday last week, dinnertimes were awful. The only way I was able to finish my plate at dinnertime, and not drive myself crazy with guilt..was to force myself to switch off the thoughts of what all the food going into my system is doing to me and after dinner, leave the kitchen, get away from people, away from food, away from the voices in my head telling how stupid and awful I am for eating..and just go to bed and watch a dvd for a couple of hours, until it was time to eat again.. That's the only way I was able to manage it. The 1 day that I didn't need to do this and I didn't feel guilty, was Wednesday when I had salmon fillet with rice and broccoli.. I finished the plate, but didn't feel bad. I actually enjoyed the meal. Why? Because, before I sat down to eat, I had to convince myself by writing a post on my blog, that I had to eat this dinner, that I need food and I'm allowed to eat and enjoy it and that I have to get better..even though I was full when I sat down and still ate it all..

The way I dealt with that Wednesday just proves how strong I can feel one day, but how weak I can feel the next. At the moment, I really need to keep the strength up, to keep on eating. Diann said that the longer I switch off the feelings and voices of Anna, whenever she does come back into "force" it will be twice as strong.. That was the case yesterday.. Throughout the weeks I've found different things that help me deal with these hard, confusing and frustrating situations.. I just need to keep it going.

I watched a program last week called "Celebrity Extreme Skinny Mums". Well, the name indicates exactly what it was about.. The presenter was saying that all these skinny mums, who get back to being size zero within 6 weeks of having a baby, seem to want the world to think they really don't care about their pregnancy weight and that it just came naturally to them and they lost the weight without any effort whatsoever, while they are secretly working-out in their homes. Doesn't that indicate that these mums all think that other people are allowed to be overweight or full-figured, but for themselves it's something that's just NOT an option. These mums think that they are too good to be chubby or curvy in any way, shape or form.. Doesn't that make them shallow? Doesn't that make me shallow as well? I know I'm not a celebrity skinny mum..haha.. but after this program, I had convinced myself that I'm a shallow person. I can't be though, because I don't care what people look like or what clothes-size they wear. That just isn't an issue. It's the person itself that counts. Diann asked jokingly, if I don't think I'm making myself feel bad enough already without adding another issue to this situation..by telling myself that I'm shallow (just punishing myself a little bit more by making myself feel worse).. what a head wrecker I am... Being shallow doesn't come into it. Anorexia might seem to be revolve around appearance, but it so much more than that. It's about punishment, restrictions, pressure, no self-worth and much much more. Everyone around me deserves the happiness, the food, the love and the life they want.
But not me. I'm not, or wasn't allowed, to have this. It's totally different, I'm not shallow, I just simply don't think, or didn't think, that I deserve anything. That's that cleared up then..a slight weight lifted of my shoulders..

The whole "everyone thinking I'm better" issue. It cropped a few days ago. It made me feel like nobody understands what I'm going through which then made me feel all alone in the world. It set a lot of things rolling again. I thought that I had made peace with it. Why should I care what other people think? If they do or don't think I'm better..who cares? As long as I know what the deal is and what I need to be doing to get better, isn't that more important. Yes, of course. I know this all, full well. But it still gets to me. Diann even said that, she knows I'm not a person that would hang on other peoples opinions and that I don't care about other peoples' views of me. So why does it still get to me so much? She had very wise words.. It's got to do with the "reflection". I see others as a reflection of how I see myself. Other people are the mirror of Anna (on bad days) or Fay (on good days). You could compare it to looking in a real mirror. Whenever I do, I see a fat monster. That's when Anna has her way. Whenever I talk to people or read their emails I read or hear what Anna wants me to hear or read. I take the information on board and process it to how Anna would. Whatever it may really mean, doesn't come into it. If anything can make me feel worthless and sh***y , then that's how I'll process the information.. So whenever someone says something like: "I don't know how you can stay in the house all day long without going crazy", this person is actually talking about how it would be for THEM. It's not criticism towards me.. But Anna interprets it that way, so I feel that I'm worthless, boring and lazy which I try to get away from by pushing myself again to be active which sets me up for a minor breakdown.. Another example, yesterday I was in the shopping center and I seen my aunt Ann. All I could do, was feel shame. I felt so awful. I don't really know why, she didn't say anything to upset me.. But I know I've put on weight, and when people now see me, that's the first thing they will see and think, which I should see as positive, because I'm getting better. But on bad days, it's awful, because it's what Anna doesn't want.. So I then feel so worthless and weak.. I'm not able to do what I thought I could which was to eat and stay underweight.. the feeling of shame cut so deep and I feel so bad saying this..

I can't imagine what it's like for my family and friends and I really don't want people to feel bad, really I don't.. My dear friend Natasja said in an email this week was that understanding the illness is so hard, but she does her best to try and that she loves me on the good days and loves me on the bad days.. That really touched me so much and I sat there today and I cried as I was telling this to Diann.. I know it's the same for my family and close friends and that they are all thinking of me along this journey. I appreciate it all and words will never be able to express how much it means to me.. I know I'm not alone..

Physically I'm can't deal with a lot yet. I'm still so slow. I'm still not able to handle stress. Learning to listen to my body and what it's telling me is paying off. Because I now can feel the pressure and stress, whenever I plan the things I want to do during the day. I literally feel it on my chest..the pressure just drives and pushes me which then sets me up for a minor breakdown. So, I'm still going to be slow, I'm still needing to just "be", still needing my bed (I spent most of last week in bed by the way..). The pains in my legs and my back come and go. But that's okay.. It's all a part of it..
Diann didn't want to add anything extra to my food-plan. I need to just let the "menu" settle for the next week. That suits me fine.

All in all it was a good session, a lot of tears, but they needed to be shed. At the end of it all, Diann said that she's so impressed by the amount of work that I'm putting in. She's impressed at how far I've come and how much I've learned and realized over the past weeks. She's amazed at how I'm knowing how to deal with the situations as they come up by letting myself feel the pain, both physical and mental, that I've been pushing away for years and that I know how to keep on fighting. She said that I'm a wonderful person and an inspiration, and that I'm slowly going to realize it.. This came from the heart and it didn't make me feel bad. It made me feel good. It made me feel strong, the strength that I need and not the strength that I'm trying to fight. Fay was on my side.. I'm doing this right and I'll keep on going..