Fruit and Veg, a mountain of it..

My food-plan this week, is freaking me out. It scaring me so much.
I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop worrying as well, that I won't be able to eat it all..

Every evening I'm sitting, watching a dvd or the telly, and I'm planning how I'm going to fit in everything the next day. It's just so much. I feel a panic arise once I've made it through the day because I have do it all again the next day..
I feel like I'm being swamped, that I'm out of my depth, and that I'm drowning..

Mam came home yesterday with a mountain of fruit and veg.. mostly for me.. I'm not exaggerating when I say mountain.. (sorry mam, nothing personal) But how on earth am I ever going to eat all that. I panicked, I knew I would have to eat it all, but it's not possible.. It made me feel ill, it wanted to throw up, I didn't want to eat. I appreciate all the good food.. but I don't want to see a massive mountain of it, knowing that it's all going to be going through my system at one stage.. That's just disgusting and wrong. I can't deal with and I don't want to deal with it. I can't be expected to be happy to see a mountain of food. Really, it's too much pressure, and then I feel frustrated with myself for making it into such a big deal, because really it isn't a big deal..

I'm just so full all the time, and it always feels like it's time to eat. That's because it IS always time to eat. That's just so wrong. Nobody else eats that much. Okay, I know, I'm rebuilding my body and muscle and strength..bla bla bla.. But that doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make my stomach feel empty, it doesn't let me get hungry, it doesn't give me a "breather"..

I feel like it all has to end at some stage, all this eating. I keep feeling that it will only be for a certain amount of time, then it will be over and I will go back to the way I was. Even though I know that isn't the case. I know I'm going to have to keep on eating, constantly for the rest of my life, and that I will never go back to the way I was. But will the time come, that I won't have to switch off the feeling of being a pig, of stuffing my face and feeling gross because of it. Will I forever have to ignore the mirror because my belly is so swollen and I hate that I'm putting on weight. I can't help feeling that I'm abusing my body and that I'm putting too much strain on my insides, by eating to much. Who ever said that it was healthy to eat even when you're full? On tv, all people tell you, is that you should stop eating when you're full.. Why can't I do that? I know why..because I used to do that all the time, and I pushed it too far..that's why. I know why I'm stuffing my face, I know I need to. But it doesn't make it easier.. no matter what anybody tells me, it doesn't make me feel better about myself..

Then there's my supplements, I either see them as my saviours or as my enemies. It's either one or the other. Never anything in between. They are my enemies when I'm having a bad day, because then even the thought of them make me feel ill.. They are my saviours whenever I'm having a good day, whenever I can see clearly, or whenever I'm feeling tired and emotionally unstable but mentally stable.. On a day like today, I never want to glass to empty. I always want more. Or an incident that occurred last week. I had poured the supplement into a glass, and I went to the loo, I came back into the kitchen, and Sean couldn't resist it, he had taken a sneaky mouthful.. I was fuming! I don't know why. It was only a mounthful, but still, I felt betrayed, I felt robbed! I shouldn't have let it get to me, but it did.. (even days later, I couldn't let myself forget about it.. how pathetic am I..??)Just goes to show, that I'm either loving them or hating them. I know that I wouldn't want to be without them at the moment. I would feel like I would slowing down my recovery.. I'd be missing something.. I don't know why I keep on thinking about how life would be without them. Because it's my choice to stay on them for now, and for as long as I want, if Diann's stories are anything to go by (she has worked with girls who have been taking them for years..). So I don't have to worry that they'll be taken off me.. I shouldn't have to feel threatened or scared..

Right, so like lots of people have told me.. one step at a time. one meal at a time. one day a time.. I know the theory of it all, I know exactly what I need to do, but putting it into practice is a whole different story.. I can only do my best.