Looking back on my week..session 9

The Monday evening ritual, the hour drive down to Wexford..

I took a total different approach to this session. I would usually worry about these sessions, I would make lists about things that I need to get off my chest, and I would put so much pressure on myself to get as much from the hour of therapy as possible. But this week, I forced myself NOT to do this.. Just be myself, and see whatever comes up, see what I get out of it, just go with the flow. Usually, days before going, I would be already going over and over in my head what I want to say, what I want to discuss, what I'm going to ask.. But yesterday, it was only in the car on the way there, that I started to think about what I was going to say, ask and discuss. And it worked out real well. No pressure, no stress, just "being".

Reflecting back on the week, was a pleasure. Because it was a good week.
Well, I started off, after last weeks session, by taking off my watch. And this had more of an impact on me than I imagined it would have done. Since last week Monday evening, I haven't been wearing one, and it's like everything is sooo different. First of all.. I've been having great sleeps.. it's unreal. I don't even have an alarmclock in the bedroom or anything a clock. I don't even bring my mobile upstairs either.. So I go to bed, I read for as long as I want, sleep and when I wake up I acutally ask myself.. "Am I rested? How are my legs feeling? Do I need more sleep?" and only when I feel like I've slept enough, I get up.. It could be 8 o clock in the morning, it could be 10.. But usually it's around 9. When I used to wear my watch, I would force myself to read for at least 30 minutes before going to sleep, even if I was having the big "battle" against the "closing-eyelids-without-having-any-control-over-it-and-the-dancing-letters-across-the-page".. And when I would wake up in the morning, I would get out of bed as early as possible, worrying that the day would be too short to fit in all the eating I have to do.. But not anymore, that's a thing of the past.
Second.. During the day it's had so many benefits. I don't feel the urge to fill every minute or to stress whenever I haven't done anything productive for 30 minutes. I've just been doing whatever I want, whenever I want. No stressing.

The only 2 things I've had to be forcing myself to do, is to 1)stop pressurizing myself. 2)ignore feelings of guilt.
-Stop pressurizing/analyzing/worrying:
I've had to work so hard at just "being". I was pushing away that feeling of trying to keep busy. I was resting when I need to. I didn't want to be productive. I wasn't worried about my mood either. I wasn't going to put pressure on myself to be in certain mood or state of mind. Everyday I was in the mood that I was in and for 3 or 4 adjoining days, I was in a good mood. I wasn't forcing this good mood, I wasn't trying to be someone I'm not, I wasn't acting.. It happened without me having any control over it. And it was great. I was just so normal. I didn't feel down, I ignored Anna, Kept on eating (even though I was feeling like a fat pig all week), sat around and did whatever I felt like doing.
-Ignore feelings of guilt (caused by Anna):
This is closely linked to the feelings of pressure and worry. Anna wants me to punish myself, so she wants me to worry, and put pressure on myself. If I don't then feelings of guilt can come up which, in turn, will drag me down. But ignoring feelings of guilt, is ignoring Anna, which is good. I was able to ignore her. Diann said last week, that the guilty feelings of being in a good mood and feeling happy and eating, can be seen as positive, because it's a sign I'm fighting which is good. For days, I was doing so well, at ignoring the feelings of guilt. I was telling myself "I'm allowed to be happy, I'm allowed to eat, I'm allowed to come out of the shell I've been living in." Even if did only last for 3 or 4 days. It took a lot of effort to push away the feelings of guilt, it was so tiring doing this, as well as forcing myself to slow down.

Diann reckons, that whenever the feelings of guilt still come up, that I'll stand up to her.. I'll just tell her to "back off.. today I'm fine, and you might be on my back tomorrow again, so I'm enjoying how I'm feeling while it lasts.." Because that is the truth of it all, I don't know how long a good mood will last. So when it does occur, I'm entitled to enjoy it.

A new aspect of normal daily life came to light as well during my days of normality, and that's: Conversations..
It had been weeks since I'd had regular ongoing conversations for any length of time. I would never either have the energy, the mood or the interest.. But last week, I found myself talking and laughing, without me even wanting to.. it just happened.. And that was pretty tiring because it hadn't occurred for so many weeks. Sometimes I did get carried away with myself, getting caught up in the moment of being sociable and enjoying it, that my heart to run wild, I'd get dizzy and be breathless. These are all little things that are a part of daily life, and having a few days of being and living like a "normal" person, was exhausting.
But that was fine. It made me see that I'm still am me. I just know it will take time for the energy to come back and that I still do have a long way to go.

Mam was saying that my days of normality, were such a revelation. There is light at the end of the tunnel. The house was (apparently) a much happier place to be, because I was feeling normal. I supposedly even had an argument with Sean (I can't really remember to be honest). It was while we were watching telly on Thursday night.. over something small.. and Mam said it was like music to her ears to hear us be like that with each other again..

I knew however that my normality wouldn't last, and of course it didn't. By Saturday night, I felt that it was all going to come crashing down.. It was all too much. It felt like everyone was getting carried away with the fact that I was feeling fine.. And then I started to feel the pressure, and the guilt. I was so tired of pushing away so many feelings that usually would rule my head, that I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep up the fight. And Sunday morning I woke up and I was back down again. But I knew it, so it was fine. I didn't really care. I was just having one of them days that I wanted to close myself off from the world, lock myself away, get better all by myself, and then re-appear in months to come, and be better..As by magic...
Just one of them days.. And to top it all off.. The sun was shining.. That made me feel even worse.. because it's so much more confronting that I wasn't wanting or able to do anything..

So Mam offered to take me for a drive. I initially said no. Don't want to (like a little kid..).. But then I knew I should. Advice from Diann, "resourcing my body and soul".. So then I said.. maybe we could go down to the shopping center. That way I was getting out of the house.. 1 for Fay.. but at the same time, it's physically pressurizing myself.. 1 for Anna.. So I was doing both, which was good. But I still knew I wasn't doing the right thing.. So I eventually made myself say to mam "We can drive out to avoca and sit down by the river". (For those of you who aren't from here, that's out in the country, "being at one with nature"). It took so much effort for me to say this, but I knew I was doing myself good by suggesting it. And it was sooo nice. Mam went around taking her photographs (she goes to camera club..a hobby thing of hers), and I just sat there by myself, looking at the river gushing by. It cleared my head and I felt slightly better. It didn't make me feel normal again, but I felt "peaceful". Which was nice.

So, all in all, a pretty good week. And having one of these, just proves that there is light at end of the tunnel.. Even though, it doesn't always feel like that. I still have to tell myself over and over and again, that I'm not better..Or else I'll be on the next flight out of here.. So that is pretty frustrating.. and confusing.. The fact that I can feel so normal, but I'm still not cured. This can be so hard. I know what I have to do.. I just have to keep on pushing myself to slow down, forcing myself NOT to run away with myself.

I have to stop the urge of constantly trying to prove something to myself.. What it is that I was trying to prove, I really don't know.. If there's anything that I need to prove to myself, it's that I'm able to overcome all the hurdles that still await me.. And by doing that I'' be recovering, and that's the only thing that I should feel the need to prove to myself. And proving that I'm capable of recovering, is by slowing down. The only way I'll totally get over this, is by listening to my body and reacting to that to nurse it back to good health. This will only happen by my pushing myself BACK and not FORWARD.. As I've come to realize during the week.. "The biggest step forward that I'll make, is taking a step back"

During the week, I constantly was having the feeling that all this eating, would only have to last for a certain amount of time. It's like it's only going to be for ? amount of months, and then I will go back to normal living again. The way I was before. I discussed this with Diann.. But this is obviously not the case. This period in my life, isn't like I've "signed up for contract of ? amount of months and then it will be over and I'll return to being me".. No, I'm rebuilding my ways. I'm working on myself. I'm creating new beliefs, new habits and new awareness of myself. I'll still have the same interests, still be Niamh, but with more depth. It's like when some people have never had to work for anything in their life, never truly appreciate what they have. Not until a person has had to work for certain things, they realize just how much valuable they are, such as health and relationships. Everything has so much more value, once you've nearly lost it or had to fight for it. Yes, It is hard work, nobody said it would be easy, but once you start feeling the benefits of all the hard work, then it's paying off. This goes for me as well. And it's not the amount of time I should worry about. I shouldn't be analyzing how long this is going to take.. as Diann put it so wisely: "The todays make the tomorrows". "You're eating today to experience the tomorrows, so the present is really far more important"... What a way of putting it.. beautiful words..
You have never truly experienced a "high" in life, until you have experienced a "low". And that's when you can learn to appreciate the lows.. That way a battle will never go unrewarded.

When the panic arises about how long the recovery will take.. I should just think.. "What would Anna want..?" She would want it to be as long as possible, as painful as possible and as negative as possible. Fay would just take one day at a time. She would keep on driving me, wanting for me to get through it, no matter how long it would take. She wouldn't judge me if it longer than expected, she wouldn't be mad. She would just want me to keep on fighting Anna. The same goes for whenever I worry about how scary the road ahead is going to get once I start putting on lots of weight. Only Anna would make the road ahead seem scary. Fay would take it in her stride, knowing that she can overcome the next obstacle, just like all the others that have already been overcome. Each obstacle will then make the next one seem less scary. The confidence will be there, and will grow with each step. And that's how I'm going to try to keep on approaching it.

My added extra this week, is... oh no.. the dreaded SPUD! (I am in Ireland after all, so it really shouldn't seem so shocking..) I wasn't too happy about this to be honest. I was never a potato fan anyway.. this makes it slightly harder. I have to have a half a potato a day, anytime I like. As well as the other long list of foods I'm eating..

Anyhow, my approach to this session worked well. No stress, no worrying, just being me. And because of this, it probably also was the first session that I didn't just sit there ranting and raving, talking in jumbles, not knowing what I was trying to say or what point I was getting at.. Poor Diann, if I never knew what I was trying to figure out, how on earth was she able to know? That's another issue I suppose.
All in all, it was a nice session yesterday. Really it was. I know what I've to do, and keep on doing.. Taking it easy, taking it slowly, eating what I have to, no stressing, no pressurizing, no guilt and just concentrate on "being". I have to keep working on it..