Making choices and changing directions..

I had a dream the other night...: I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn't recognize myself. I had a different face.. I was a different person..

For a start, my face a huge. So it probably wasn't a dream, but more like a nightmare in which I had become obese (that's a different issue though). In the same dream, I dreamt about work, about my job back in Holland, that is still waiting for me by the way.. I had quit, in my dream that is.. So, when I woke up, I thought about it..maybe over-analyzed it a little.. I was myself, but different, making choices and changing direction.

I can't help worrying about my job, about what I'm going to do once I'm feeling better and about what sort of life is the right one for me. Well, I don't know if it's so much "worry", it's more "figuring out what I want". I hate my job, I never liked it, I just forced myself to stick it out for a year, just for the experience. I'm on "sick-leave" still, but I don't want to go back. It would be like stepping back again into the life I had before. It scares and depresses me at the same time. This period is like I'm starting over. It's like a new beginning for me. Well, that's how I choose to see it and that's what I'm going to make it.

They say that going through things, changes you, influences decisions you make in your life and your views. I've come to realize that by just being myself and by letting go and relieving myself from all the habits, stress and worries that I've always had, that my true person is coming to the surface. I'm learning to see the things that I see as important. Things that I treasure. Things that I value. So many questions are slowly being answered. Questions like "Why did if choose to study tourism?".."Why did I travel?".. "Why did I choose to stay in Holland after my year in Australia?". So many questions and I'm now realizing why I decided to do things the way I did. By finding these answers, I'm also finding out what really is important to me, and what I should be putting my energy into, what I want to focus on in life and what I want to dedicate most of my time to.

By just letting myself be me, I realize that I can occupy my mind in whatever way I want to. I'm becoming aware that just taking up a certain hobby or choosing a certain job, because "that's what's expected of me", or because "that's what I studied in college".. is a major shame. What's the point? Being stuck in a rut, or unhappy in a job. Why be unhappy in the long run? Just because I took the easy way out?

I can understand fully, how a job or career can make somebody unhappy. Think about it... If you have to focus your mind on something you hate doing, something that makes you feel unworthy, something that makes you feel less than you are, something you don't want to associate yourself with, something that is holding you back from being the person you want to be..putting 40 hours a week of your time, energy and dedication..over and over again into something you don't want, is bound to have an influence on your life. It's unavoidable.

Some people would be able to see their job and their personal life as 2 separate things. Work is just to put the bread on the table and it therefore doesn't matter what it is. I can relate to this 100%. (anybody who knows me, knows I'll do any job..not really caring what it is..). But I've come to realize, it's such a waste when someone who feels so strongly about certain things in life and has such a longing and a passion, can't see the opportunities that life offers. Or that someone doesn't dare to take the risks in order to go out there and make things happen..
Again, it's the story of "choices". People choose to give certain things in their life priority. Not everyone wants a dream job. It wouldn't make them happy at the end of the day. Maybe a thriving social life is their priority, or having a family home.. Everyone is different. Different things make different people happy.

The point I'm trying to make, or the thing I'm trying to figure out is, is that it can seem slightly pointless in putting so much effort, time and energy into doing things, whether it be a hobby or a job, if your heart isn't in it. It won't make you happier, it doesn't give you any joy or fulfillment. Things are never black and white, I know. However, If a persons gets the chance to figure out for themselves (without being influenced by other people or by decisions made in the past) what it is that they feel is worthwhile and deserves all their energy and what they choose to let their life revolve around, will be the most uplifting thing a person could ever do.

When I relate this to my life..I now know, that I don't have to work in a "Internet travel-agency" just because I once said I wanted to be a travel-agent. I hate working there. I'm just a number and I know I have so much more to offer. It isn't fulfilling, it doesn't give me a sense of achievement. Anybody, with or without a personality can do it. I want so much more. I'm sick of worrying about what's going to happen months down the line, on the job-front. I don't want to worry.. Life's too short. Instead I want to dream about what I would love to do, what I enjoy, what I'm good at and what will make me feel like I'm making a difference.

There's so much out there. The opportunities are endless. I want to feel like I deserve to thrive on making the right decisions. I've always done what I've wanted to do and chosen the adventures myself and made them happen. I can do that again, but for the right reasons. The reasons NOT being.."because that's what's expected of me"..or "because I once said it, now I have to prove that I can do it"..or.."If I'm not being adventurous and living to the full, I'm not a happy person".. These are the wrong reasons.. Things that I choose to do will be because I want to experience and thrive and grow and learn.. I have my own life (well, at the moment, not really, but I will again, soon..) and the decisions I make are my own, for me and the reasons are also mine. I have to let go of feeling the need to prove myself to others. That doesn't make me happy. I don't have to prove myself to ME either. I know what I'm capable of, I know what I can do. And I'm just so excited about what awaits, about what lies ahead and about all the good and bad things that life will throw at me along the way.. Because at the end of the day, life's too short but so so sweet..