Measuring Happiness

Looking at people walking down the street, they look happy, confident and enjoying life. Their weight..? Who cares? It's not an issue.

I have to realize that a persons happiness is not measured by the number on the weighing scales. Whenever I look at other people, I don't think any less of them if they're overweight, if they're chubby or if they're skinny. So why do I feel like, once I have put on ? amount of kilos, that I'm not going to be me anymore. I look at photos from a few years ago, when I was my normal weight, around 50 kilos. And I ask myself : "Was I happy back then".. the answer; Yes.. So why do I think I won't be happy once I'm back to my normal weight. Will people not like me anymore? Will I suddenly be a different person? Will I not like myself anymore? I cannot possibly dislike myself more down the line than I have done the past months.. Can I? Am I shallow for thinking that I'm not going to be a nice person with 15 extra kilos? Isn't it bizarre, that I can't just look at myself, and want to weigh more, knowing that I can be happy in my skin? Why don't I feel worthy? Everyone I know, could put on 50 kilos and I would still love them just as much. Why can't I feel that towards myself as well? I have to break away from that thought. Some of the happiest days of my life, I was at my heaviest (57 kilos, when I was working in the ski resort in Austria). I didn't care what I looked like, I didn't care how blown-up I looked. I have the best memories from that period in my life. So now, 20 kilos lighter, I'm miserable and hate myself. Go figure... It's soooo irrelevant.

I have to learn to be happy in my own skin, no matter how much fat is under there.. I know I'll never be chubby.. I will always want to live healthy and eat healthy. This doesn't mean that I'm a fat pig.. I have to realize that I am worthy, no matter what the scales says, I am allowed to enjoy food, just like everybody else..I don't really know how to do this, there isn't a medicine for it, there's no magic wand that Diann, or anybody else can wave.. I think it has to come from me.. I actually KNOW it has to come from me..from within..