New Feelings

The past week or so, I have been experiencing all these different feelings that I had somehow, become unfamiliar to me, somewhere along the line.
I discussed it with Diann.. and it's a good sign.

A small example, last week, I went to sit down to watch something on the tv, and I had been looking forward to it all day.. It was an hour long (I can't really remember what it was, it was probably one of Gordon Ramsays shows) and just at the thought of watching this program for a whole hour, I got this rush of excitement. It was so strange. This buzz just went straight through me. I was slightly shocked.. Thought.. Oh god.. What was that? Where did that come from? It sounds so silly, I know. It wasn't the first time either, that for no particular reason at all, a buzz has gone through me.. Things that, under normal circumstances, would just make you think "yeah, that's cool".. I now experience as some major event that brings up all these intense buzzes and rushes..

According to Diann, this is my body reacting and readjusting to being fed again. When the body is being starved, it produces endorphins. This is like a "protection-method" the body sets up, to be able to live and survive and it makes a person feel high. The feeling of not being on this planet. The feeling of being woozy all the time, lightheaded and not fully experiencing normal things. The body can only produce this for a certain amount of time before it starts to shut down. This endorphin makes your feel numb, both physically and mentally. Now that I am starting to nourish my body, and eat ENORMOUS amounts of food, my body is starting to come out of starvation mode and starting to feel feelings again. That's what I've been experiencing the past week or 2. Little things that would normally just make me happy, now make me ecstatic.. the feelings are so much more intense, because they have become so unfamiliar and have forgotten what it's like..

Another small example.. Last week, I was all of a sudden overwhelmed with love for everyone I know.. it was so strong, and so out of the blue, and I didn't really know where it came from or what triggered it. I just wanted to tell everyone how much they all mean to me.. Again, this is just one of those intense feelings, that had become unfamiliar to me, without me even realizing it..

It's not only the good feelings that will be so much more intensely experienced, but also the "not so great" ones.. the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the compassion.. all of them. I'll start experiencing these feelings again..slowly they will return..
Which is great. I never even realized that I had become numb.. Okay, I did always feel high and lightheaded, but I loved that feeling and it had become normal. I just never associated it with being numb, and that ALL my feelings were switched off. They are slowly all being turned on again.. little flickers of light.. Just making me feel like I'm alive again. Feelings that are a part of daily life, feelings that will encourage me to keep on going, feelings that I will want to feel, both the good and bad, feelings that everyone takes for granted.. I want to feel them ALL again, because each and everyone one is a glorious one..

This also explains why I still can't go for a walk without my legs hurting. It explains the headache I feel whenever I'm wrecking my brain and the stomach aches whenever I'm full. Now that my body doesn't need to eat off my muscle tissue anymore, but off the food that I'm eating, it's a whole different approach.. My body is trying to adapt and that's why I'm still struggling physically. It wasn't until yesterday, that I started to understand what this was all about. It was starting to frustrate me..resting so much, and still not being able to walk without feeling exhausted. But now I know why, and it's all part of the process.

So, I'm not going to complain about any physical or mental pain.. Because it's good.. I'm feeling again, and it's all part of living and "being"..