A Mind-boggling day..so unexpected

It's Saturday morning. The sun is shining. It's another day. New chances, more opportunities, more options..My options? To get over the day I had yesterday..

It started out fine. I had energy, I was feeling okay. I wanted to put all my "new found energy" to good use. But it back-fired unfortunately.. I had a lot going on in my head, I was pushing myself, I wanted to walk to the garage (for the wrong reasons..to be active..which I'm not allowed to be..I'm only allowed to walk to the garage if I want fresh air, and to take it easy..NOT TO BE ACTIVE).. I eventually decided not to go, because it was wrong. I wouldn't have been able for it. So I got "active" in the house.. I lasted for maybe 10 minutes.. I was pushing, I was driven, I was forcing.. And then, out of nowhere, I felt the urge to write the post "I shouldn't take it to heart" (because what I wrote in that post, I think made me push myself and it forced me to be active).. I then had a minor breakdown. I couldn't stop myself, I cried like a baby, dropped everything I was doing, and went back to bed at the beginning of the afternoon..where I stayed most of the day. I was zoned-out for most of the day.. Just lying in bed, not doing anything, just listening to my breathing and feeling safe in bed, being away from the world..

My mind was a scary place the whole day. So many things were popping up. Things that I have never realized or saw before.. I wasn't myself, I didn't feel like me. It scares me the tricks I felt my mind was playing on me.. I realized, as I lay there, wanting so much from life, means nothing if you don't have the psychical ability to do them.. What's the point? So I have to force myself to get better, no matter how awful I'm feeling. By pushing myself to do things, I'm not going to get better. So I know not to take notice of what people think of how I'm recovering or what people think I should or shouldn't be doing. I have to let that go. I also realized just the different kinds of strength a person has, not looking at the psychical aspect of things. It's scary to think that I have this illness, all brought on by the mind.. Is it all brought on by the power of the mind? That is still a little vague to me..

How have I come through the past 25 years, without ever being aware that every little thing that I've said and done, has all been me..how could I have never just given myself, my mind, my body a break? Of course, if a body is constantly being pushed too far in every way it can be pushed, it's going to break down.. I used to think that I was so great, being able to live without food.. I didn't see what the fuss was all about. Why were there supermarkets? Why do people eat? But now, I'm feeling the effects of it.. I was going so well for so long but now my body has given in. So it's normal that it will take me months to regain strength, both psychically and mentally. I've realized that I'm only human, I'm not a robot, I'm not invincible..

Those are only a few things that cropped up in my hours of despair. Later on, last night, I started to feel slightly normal again, I started to feel like I was apart of the world again.. And when I looked back on what had gone on, as I lay in bed, it freaked me out..

Yesterday afternoon I looked so peaceful, in my room, on my own, in my bed, staring, gazing.. but on the inside, a storm, a whirlwind, so powerful. Facing the fears, or only just seeing my fears, or thinking they were my fears, but by facing them they aren't anymore.. Still not knowing what they mean, where they've come from and how to deal with them.. But that's okay.. It's all part of it.

I wrote a few poems, last night, and then it was 11 o clock, and I needed to focus on something else. I needed to chill out.. I sat, watched some telly for an hour or 2, and I actually felt that if I were to do anything, I would faint. I wouldn't have been able to do anything. I haven't felt like that before, ever, just because my head was "slightly muddled". I was also starving (even though I had eaten everything I was supposed to eat), I was weak, I was dizzy. I went to bed and wanted to read before going to sleep. And I couldn't. Not just because of being tired, but my head was actually not letting my eyes run across the lines.. I can't really explain it, but it was really weird. I think I had probably reached my limits. I was literally burned-out. I was still dizzy, I was still feeling faint, as I lay there. I felt that going to sleep wouldn't be enough. I felt there was more that needed to be done. A good night sleep wouldn't get me back on track.. This would take time.. Going up and down hill all the time..Thankfully I fell a sleep pretty soon and I felt happy..

Today, I'm just so tired. Emotional maybe, but I'm on planet earth, which is nice. I'm trying not to push, I'm trying to take it easy.. After this post, I'm forcing myself not to reflect or analyze.. I have to let me be myself.. I have to let it go.. Rest and food, maybe fresh air.. that's what I need..