Sunday morning

I woke up this morning, after dreaming about food all night long, and straight away, I told myself.. I'm not eating today. I don't want to eat.

I wanted to just prove to myself that I'm still able to go for hours and hours without eating. I still want to be strong. I don't want to feel weak anymore. Because that's how I feel whenever I'm feel hungry..weakness.. I shouldn't be feeling this. It's feels so wrong. And it feels so wrong to be eating, all the time.. It's like I'm slowly becoming like everybody else. Everybody needs food..and as my appetite grows, I'm needing food as well, but I don't want to normal like everyone. I want to be able to live on nothing. To be active and happy and do all things I want, and live on air.. and water maybe. Why can't I do this. Why is it that I'm not allowed to do this?

It doesn't seem fair for me to need food. I don't want to have to eat. It's disgusting. My gut constantly is a big block.. and it's wrong. I want to feel empty. I want control. But feeling hunger, is a sign that I'm losing control. Three mornings in a row, I've been hungry.. All I'm doing is eating.. Feeling hungry, and then after 2 bites, feeling like a full fat pig again, but still eating. I'm sick of it. I know I'm getting fatter.. My BMI (Body Mass Index) must be well over 30 by now.. Soon enough I won't be able to fit through the front door and I'll need to be put on diet, to loose all these kilo's I'm putting on..

I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror.. It's disgusting. I don't want to wear normal clothes, because I know everyone is trying to see how fat and big my stomach is getting. So I want to disguise it, I want to hide away the fat. I want to switch off everything. Switch myself off, if that were possible, or even crawl out of my own skin for a while. Ignore all the fat I'm piling on. Every bite I put in my mouth, I can feel it being plastered on my hips, and belly and legs.. I should have known that I was going to put on weight.. I knew it would happen, but it wrecks my head, and I can't deal with it. It goes against everything. It goes against the person I thought I had become and was going to stay for the rest of life. This is so hard, and I can't be bothered anymore. These kilos I put on, I could put to good use and start doing lots of things..it would give a few more weeks to get back down the weight again.. I would love for nothing more...

I can't stop eating though.. mentally I'm able, but psychically it will only do more damage than I've already done. I know I'm not allowed, and it makes me so sad. It's like when you want something, and you know you can have..it's right there, you can grab it and make it your own again..it's all you ever wanted and it's within your reach. But life is not allowing you to just grab it and make it your own again.. And the longer you leave it to linger, right before your own eyes, the harder it becomes to grab it because you're learning to resist and to just leave it linger, against your better judgment.

You could probably compare it to breaking up a relationship you had with someone you love, but who isn't good for you. You can have this person, this person is right there, but your family and friends are warning you and telling you this person is not right for you..they want what's best for you. So you try to forget about this person and about the good times you once had and try to focus on the things that weren't good in the relationship and how bad it made you feel in the long run. You have to do this, in order to resist, because thinking of the good times, will only tempt you to start the relationship again..just to give it another go, see how it turns out, maybe this it will be better..
As with getting over any kind of relationship..time heals all wounds..or so they say.. It's been nearly 3 months now...the temptation is still there.. It's still so daunting and still so fresh sometimes. I know my relationship with Anna never really made me happy, she was possessive, and closed me off from the real world. So I have to keep on resisting and I have to keep on fighting. It's so hard. I don't know what life will be like when she finally leaves me alone. What will I look like? Will I really be better off without her? I know the answer to that..of course I do. But it doesn't make it any easier. It's just all so much.. I have to push myself each and everyday, and be strong. But it makes so tired, and then being tired makes me sad and emotional, because I'm not able to deal with it the way I feel is best..

Just the thought of food right now, makes me want vomit. I want so badly to give myself a break.. Treat myself to a day of not stuffing my face. I can't though. It's constant.. going going going..all the time.I can't be human, or normal, doing all this eating. There has to something wrong..I just don't know what..