My Guide, My Strength, My Self..

Every week, I live to the day when it's time to visit Diann again, which is every Monday.. the Monday ritual.. I focus on it, most days of the week. I think about it, I sometimes worry about it. Every thought I have, be it bad or good, I always feel that I need to share it with her. Sometimes I worry, when I've been having really good days, that I won't have anymore issues to deal with or anything do discuss and she'll think I'm better and send me away.. that's ludicrous I know..

At the same time, I would often dread the thought of my sessions as well. Because it takes up so much energy, concentration. It's stressful.. Or I just put so much pressure on myself, and make the build-up such an issue, that it becomes much more than it really is.

During the week, I write down little things that I need answers to. Sometimes I eventually figure out the answers myself. But I often need confirmation, or just someone to tell me that I did find the right answer and that I am on the right track. I often wish that I had more than 1 hour with her a week. It always seems too short. I always leave there, with still lots on my mind, that I needed to share.

I just wonder why I focus on it so much? Weeks ago, my doctor asked me if I have faith in Diann and if she is someone that I can depend on and trust while I'm getting better.. I said yes, I definitely have faith in her. She was the person who was going to make me better.. That's how important she is. So, isn't it normal that I live from 1 session to another. It's probably only when I start to focus on it less.. that I'll know I'm really making progress.. Because that means I can think clearer, and can find even more answers to my questions myself, without anybody needing to advise or steer me in the right direction. And isn't it good that I can figure out things by myself as well..Writing on my blog and thinking things through is how I can get clarification. If I were to need her to answer every little thing that I'm faced with..all my thoughts, fears, worries and troubles, then the process of getting better would take so much longer wouldn't it..?

The point I'm probably trying to make, is that I probably shouldn't worry about my sessions with Diann, and just deal with things as they come to me, and if I can figure them out for myself, then that's a positive thing. She is my guide and I have faith in her. But it's far more important for me to use myself as my guide as well and to have faith in myself. Because, at the end of the day, I'm the only one who is going to make myself better. An example.. I could tell her every week that I've been eating everything even if I haven't. Sure that's "no skin off her nose".. that's something that she has to trust me on, I can't prove it to her, she has to take my word for it. I could lie. But what's the use? It's for me I'm doing this.

I can deal with things and discuss with Diann how I got through them. We can talk about what worked and what didn't. She then advises me and gives me "kicks up the backside" to keep me on track so I don't fall behind during the week. Diann and my family and friends will steer me, whenever I need it, and also will support me. But it's ME that this is happening to, and it's ME that is going to make myself better. I'm the only one who can cure myself. As my guide, Diann, once told me.. "the main cure to anorexia is having the strength keep on eating". And where does that strength to keep on eating come from.. FROM ME.. AND NOBODY ELSE...